Mike was late coming home from school. His sister asked him what took him so long.

“I had to pick up a football for Grandma Brown’s birthday,” explained Mike.

His sister’s mouth nearly dropped to the floor. “You can’t give Grandma a football for her birthday,” she scolded. “She’s doesn’t even like football!”

Mike retorted, “Well then maybe she shouldn’t have gotten me books on my birthday!”

A man saw a sign on a restaurant that read, “Today’s Special: Lobster Tales – $2.00”

So he went inside and told the waitress that he was there for the special and would like two lobster tails.

The waitress informed him that since it was a special, he would have to pay in advance.

The man pulled out his wallet and handed the waitress four dollars, which she quickly tucked into her pocket.

The waitress then asked the man, “Are you ready for your first tale?”

“Boy, I sure am!” said the man enthusiastically.

Then she began “Once upon a time there was this little lobster…”

As the man stepped off the curb to cross the street, a car careened around the corner about a block away.

With the car speeding towards him, the man picked up the pace to cross the road faster, but then the driver suddenly swerved to change lanes.

Panicked, the man darted back towards the side of the street he came from, but again the car swerved back into its original lane and was headed straight towards the man.

Now terrified, the man froze in place. The car screeched sideways, coming to a halt, mere inches from the pedestrian.

The motor still purred as the power window rolled down. To the man’s surprise there was a squirrel behind the wheel of the car.

Before the man could respond to what just happened, the squirrel said, “Not as easy as it looks, now is it?”

A beggar approached a well-dressed man walking down the street and asked, “Say pal, could you spare twenty bucks for a cup of coffee?”

“Twenty dollars?!” exclaimed the gentleman. “Listen my dear fellow, nowhere in this town will you find a place that charges that much for a cup of coffee!”

“I know,” said the panhandler, “but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday, and I wanted to knock off early.”

After his family moved to a new town, little Johnny had his first day at a new school. His previous school records seemed to be misplaced, so the principal was trying to assess Johnny’s education level.

“Can you count to ten?” asked the principal.

“I sure can!” beamed little Johnny. “My dad taught me how!”

“Well then, what comes after nine?” quizzed the principal.

“Ten!” said little Johnny.

“And do you know what comes after ten?”

With a confident smile, Johnny replied, “The Jack!”

After his female coworker fell quite ill, Bob drove her home from work. Though it was an innocent gesture, it concerned him that if his wife found out, she would fly into a jealous rage.

After work, Bob and his wife had plans to dine out. On the way to the restaurant he noticed a high-heel shoe peeking out from under the passenger seat.

Bob was afraid his wife would discover that another woman had been in the car, so he waited until she was looking out her window before scooping up the shoe and tossing it out the driver’s window.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot and parked the vehicle. As he was about to get out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

Marcus got a job at the Post Office sorting the mail. He separated the letters so fast that his motions were practically a blur.

At the end of his first day the supervisor remarked, “I just want you to know, you are one of the fastest workers we’ve ever had!”

“Thank you, Sir,” beamed Marcus, “and tomorrow I’m going to do even better!”

“Better?” the supervisor asked with astonishment. “How can you possibly do any better than you did today?”

Marcus explained, “Tomorrow I’m going to actually read the addresses.”

A defendant was found in contempt of court and fined $200 for calling the judge a pig.

Following the charge, the defendant asked the judge, “Does this mean I cannot call a judge a pig?”

The judge sternly rebuked, “It absolutely means you may not call a judge a pig!”

“Well, can I call a pig a judge then?” asked the man.

Humoring the man, the judge replied, “I see no harm in calling a pig a judge, if you so choose.”

The man gave a wry smirk as he said, “Good day, Judge.”