It was nighttime, and a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped out and stuck a gun to the ribs of a pedestrian wearing a suit.
“Give me your money!” shouted the gunman.
“You can’t do this,” protested the other man. “I’m a US Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me my money!”
A group of blonde hunters were out hunting in the middle of the forest. At a certain point they realized they were lost.
One of the blondes said, “I’ve heard that whenever you get lost in the woods, what you have to do is to shoot three times into the air and wait for someone to find you.”
They all nodded in agreement, shot three times in the air, waited a while, but nothing happened.
So they shot three more times into the air but, again, no one came to help.
After trying three more shots, one of the blondes remarked, “I hope someone finds us soon. That was my last arrow!”
Clifford spent all day putting in a new cement walkway, but was horrified to see his kids trying to write their names in it with sticks.
After harshly yelling at the kids, he stomped back inside, only to find his wife scowling.
“How could you do that?” she asked. “It’s just a walkway, and besides, don’t you love your kids?”
Clifford glanced away as he replied, “In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete.”
Sicilia scurried down the stairs and stood in the entry to the living room.
“Mamma, I’m going out for a bit,” She said to her mother.
Her mother looked up from her crossword and noticed all the frayed tears in the Sicilia’s denim pants. “You’re not going out with all those holes in your pants, are you?” the mother scorned.
“No Mama,” Sicilia replied. “I’m going out with Peggy and Lynne.”
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client.
After several days of trial, the case was finally won, and the client was acquitted and released.
The young lawyer was so excited about his win he texted “Justice prevailed!” to one of the senior partners.
The senior partner quickly replied, “Appeal immediately!”
For two solid hours, the little old lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of her grandchildren.
Finally realizing that she had dominated the entire conversation, she said to the man next to her, “Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
A man took his pitbull to the vet and said “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do to help?”
“Well,” said the vet, “lets have a look at him.”
The vet picked the dog up and took a good look at its eyes.
The vet shook his head and said, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” said the man.
“No,” replied the vet. “It’s because he’s heavy.”
During a heated quarrel with his parents Marty yelled, “I’m tired of this run down town! I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving, and don’t you try and stop me!”
With that he headed toward the door.
His father got out of his chair and followed the young man.
“Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop me.”
“Who’s trying to stop you?” replied his father. “I want to go with you.”
