“I’ve gone over the test results twice, Mr. Johnson,” the doctor explained. “I’m afraid you only have 1 week left to live.”

“Oh no! Doc, you gotta help me,” pleaded the patient. “I’m not ready to die. What can I do to live at least a little longer?”

“If you’re really serious, you need to give up greasy fast food, sodas, alcohol, smoking, and sex. You also need to go to bed early, get up early, and exercise every day.”

With hope in his eyes, the patient asked, “And if I do that, I might be able to live longer?”

“Well, no,” explained the doctor. “But it will make your last week feel like a decade.”

A building manager called three contractors to come out and give their best estimates on a small reconstruction job. After carefully explaining what needed to be done, the manager showed the contractors to the area where the work was to be performed.

The first contractor took out his tape measure, did some measuring and said, “Well, I figure the job will run about $1000. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $200 profit for me.”

The second contractor also took out his tape measure, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Without so much as moving, the third contractor said, “$2,700.”

The manager’s jaw dropped on that last estimate. He looked at the contractor and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How can you justify such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy who’s gonna do it for $700.”

Two yogurts walk into a bar.

The bartender said to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here!”

“Why not?” one of the yogurts replied. “We’re cultured individuals.”

After answering the phone, Father Murphy was surprised to learn he was speaking with an IRS tax auditor.

“This is a church, and we are exempt from paying taxes,” the priest remarked.

“We are not interested your church,” explained the auditor. “One of your parishioners, Harold Bixby, indicated that he gave a $15,000 donation to the church last year. Can you verify if this is the truth?”

The priest smiled and said, “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Harold.”

An old truck driver was eating at a truck stop when three large bikers walked in.

The first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second spit in the old man’s coffee and took a seat at the counter.

The third turned over the old man’s plate and took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word, the old man got up from his seat and quietly left the diner.

One of the bikers remarked to the waitress, “Not much of a man, was he!”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just drove his semi over your motorcycles!”

Fred noticed his neighbor, Justin, had not been going in to work and decided to mention it to him.

“I got fired,” Justin stated matter-of-factly.

“Fired?” remarked Fred, “Why did they fire you?”

Justin explained, “You know how the boss always stands around watching people but never doing anything?”

Fred chuckled, “Yeah, I know. Did you say something about it, and it pissed him off?”

“Well no,” sighed Justin. “People around the shop started thinking I was the boss.”

While waiting in the reception area of her new dentist, Mary noticed the doctor’s full name. She suddenly realized it was the same name as a boy she went to high school with over 20 years ago.

Of course all those years had taken their toll, because the young boy was now a middle aged man who no longer resembled his younger self.

After the exam, Mary asked him which high school he attended and the year he graduated. He told her and she exclaimed, “I knew it! You were in my class!”

He looked closely at Mary before asking, “What did you teach?”

A man came home from an exhausting day of work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said, “Can you get me another beer before it starts?”

She started getting cross, fetched another beer, and slammed it down next to him.

After another 10 minutes, he finished his beer and said, “Quick, get me another beer; it’s going to start any minute now.”

The wife was furious. She yelled at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighed, “And so it starts.”