An old Jewish woman won the Super-Lotto jackpot worth over $100 million.

The local news sent out a reporter to interview her: “So tell us, Mrs. Rosenberg, how do you plan on spending your winnings?”

“Well first I’m going to donate a million dollars to the synagogue, and of course I’ll also donate a million dollars to the community,” explained the elderly woman. “Then I’m going to commission a solid gold statue of Adolf Hitler and have it prominently placed in the middle of the town square.”

The reporter nearly choked on his lozenge before blurting out, “But Mrs. Rosenberg, Hitler was an awful, awful man. Why would you want to honor such a monster?”

The old lady held up her arm as she pulled up her sleeve, “Because he gave me the winning numbers!”

Moses went up the mountain while his followers waited below.

The clouds obscured what was going on, and all anyone could hear or see was 40 days of thunder and lightning.

Finally Moses came staggering back down.

The people approached Moses and asked, “What happened up there?”

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” Moses began. “The good news is that I got Him down to 10 commandments.”

“Tell us the bad news,” the masses cried.

“Adultery is still on there.”

An artist called the gallery owner on the phone to see if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner explained. “The good news is that a gentleman inquiring about your work, wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it almost certainly would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist replied. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman let it slip that he was your doctor.”

Morris wasn’t too bright, so he went to the fish monger, who was rumored to be the smartest man in town.

“I want to be smart like you,” said Morris. “Can you tell me your secret?”

The fish monger looked over each shoulder to be sure no one else could overhear, then in a hushed voice told Morris, “Fish heads. If you eat enough of them, it will make you positively brilliant!”

Intrigued, Morris asked, “How much do fish heads cost?”

“Four dollars each,” said the fish monger.

“I’ll take five!” said Morris as he slapped twenty dollars on the counter.

A few days later, Morris came back to the fish monger’s in a rage. “Those fish heads were disgusting, and I don’t feel any smarter!”, yelled Morris.

The fish monger motioned for Morris to calm down and politely explained, “You haven’t eaten enough of them. If you want to become smarter, you have to eat more of them.”

Morris grumbled as he handed over another twenty for sack of five fish heads.

A few days later, Morris was back at the fish monger’s even madder than before. “You’ve been selling me these awful fish heads for four dollars a piece, but I just found out I could buy a whole fish here, including the head, for only two dollars. I think you’ve been ripping me off!”

“See that?” the delighted fish monger exclaimed. “You’re getting smarter already!”

“I’ve gone over the test results twice, Mr. Johnson,” the doctor explained. “I’m afraid you only have 1 week left to live.”

“Oh no! Doc, you gotta help me,” pleaded the patient. “I’m not ready to die. What can I do to live at least a little longer?”

“If you’re really serious, you need to give up greasy fast food, sodas, alcohol, smoking, and sex. You also need to go to bed early, get up early, and exercise every day.”

With hope in his eyes, the patient asked, “And if I do that, I might be able to live longer?”

“Well, no,” explained the doctor. “But it will make your last week feel like a decade.”

A building manager called three contractors to come out and give their best estimates on a small reconstruction job. After carefully explaining what needed to be done, the manager showed the contractors to the area where the work was to be performed.

The first contractor took out his tape measure, did some measuring and said, “Well, I figure the job will run about $1000. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $200 profit for me.”

The second contractor also took out his tape measure, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Without so much as moving, the third contractor said, “$2,700.”

The manager’s jaw dropped on that last estimate. He looked at the contractor and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How can you justify such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy who’s gonna do it for $700.”

Two yogurts walk into a bar.

The bartender said to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here!”

“Why not?” one of the yogurts replied. “We’re cultured individuals.”

After answering the phone, Father Murphy was surprised to learn he was speaking with an IRS tax auditor.

“This is a church, and we are exempt from paying taxes,” the priest remarked.

“We are not interested your church,” explained the auditor. “One of your parishioners, Harold Bixby, indicated that he gave a $15,000 donation to the church last year. Can you verify if this is the truth?”

The priest smiled and said, “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Harold.”