Why is Santa’s parking always free?

It’s on the house.

Did you know that Santa is epileptic?

He seizures when you’re sleeping.

Why is Santa so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

― The Oldest Rater

A woman was angry. Her husband was coming home late again, so she left a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hid underneath the bed to watch his reaction.

Soon the husband came home. She heard him in the kitchen before he came to the bedroom. She saw him walk up to the dresser and pick up the note.

He stopped for a minute. Grabbed a pen, wrote something down on the note. He picked up the phone and called someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up the phone, grabbed his keys, and walked out the door.

She heard the car drive off as she held back tears and came out from underneath the bed. She seethed with rage and grabbed the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”

A fundamentalist Baptist minister gave in to temptation and propositioned the choir director after practice one night when no one else was left in the church.

Also giving in to her temptation, the choir director eagerly asked, “Where should we do it?”

“Right here on the floor!” panted the Reverend.

“But the bare floor is so cold,” she lamented. “How about standing up?”

“Good lord, girl! Have you taken leave of your senses?” shouted the minister. “What if someone happened to come in? They’d think we were dancing!”

It has long been established some women fake orgasms. The reasons vary from signaling fidelity, to mate retention, to hurrying things along so they can wrap up another disappointing affair.

While some men would rather not question whether or not an orgasm is being faked, it may be important to know whether she finds you to be a stud she is truly wild about, or a pathetic creature who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would like to know, here are a few things you can try to determine whether or not she is faking:

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she’s been looking at. If she says, “Dammit, I was reading that!” she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can’t be concentrating enough on the “job at hand,” and must therefore be faking it. Either that or she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. Stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, “Mmm, you were wonderful, baby,” she is faking it. If she says, “Don’t stop!” she probably isn’t. However, if she says “Don’t stop!” hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

It is possible to deduce the zodiac sign of a new sex partner by the first thing they say after coitus.

Aries: OK, let’s do it again.

Taurus: I’m hungry. Pass me the pizza.

Gemini: Have you seen the remote?

Cancer: When are we getting married?

Leo: Wasn’t I fantastic?

Virgo: I need to wash the sheets.

Libra: I liked it if you liked it.

Scorpio: Perhaps I should untie you.

Sagittarius: Don’t call me – I’ll call you.

Capricorn: Do you have a business card?

Aquarius: Now let’s try with our clothes off.

Pisces: What did you say your name was again?

A threesome is the term used for three people having sex.

A twosome is the term for two people having sex.

By extrapolation it should become obvious why people call you handsome.

The lady of the house sat in the study with tears streaming down her cheeks. Upon entering the room her maid knelt by her side and tried to comfort her.

“Oh Marie,” the woman said to her maid, “I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.”

“I don’t believe it for one minute,” snapped the maid. “You are just saying that to make me jealous!”

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time, but a few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trips.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to do that again!” said the first guy. “Since we’ve been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers ‘7 come 11’ all night long. I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

“I hear ya, buddy,” the second guy replied. “My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we’ve been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers ‘hit me light, hit me hard’. I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

“You guys think you have it bad?!” exclaimed the third guy. “My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”