Teacher asks class for a story with a moral in it.

Susie on the front row puts her hand up, “Miss, in the school holidays I went to visit my aunt on her farm. One morning she went to the hen house and collected the eggs, but on her way back she tripped and dropped the eggs and they all broke”.

“Very good” says the teacher, “and what is the moral”

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket”. Replies Susie.

Mary puts her hand up. “Miss, my Mum took me into town at the weekend, my Uncle is a chef in a big hotel and we went to see him.

He was making soup and everyone in the kitchen kept adding things to it. In the end it got burnt and tasted horrible”.

“Very good, and what is your moral”.

“Too many cooks spoil the broth Miss”.

Johnny puts his hand up. “Miss, in the war my Grandad was in the trenches. All his friends had been killed, and 100 Germans were coming. All he had was a rifle, a bayonet, one bullet and a bottle of whiskey”.

“What did your Grandad do” asked the teacher.

Johnny replied, “He put the bullet in his gun and fitted the bayonet, then he drank the bottle of whiskey. He jumped out of the trench, shot the German officer then killed the other 99 with his bayonet and his bare hands”.

Teacher is amazed by this and says, “Johnny that is a fantastic story, but what is the moral to it”.

Johnny says “Don’t fuck with my Grandad when he’s been drinkin’ whiskey”.

A professor at Ohio State University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies . To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Hamad, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Hamad replied, “Shit, from way back there I thought you said goats.”

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn’t have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me. !’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird’

‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks. ‘Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?’

‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you.?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.’

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!’

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing.
‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man.’

‘What are you talking about,?’ asks the guy.

‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously.

‘THEN what happened?’
‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims, ‘and she let him.?’

‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?’

DUNNO?!? I got a hard on, and fell off my perch.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!!

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.

“Honey,” said the Psychic. “You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet.”

Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, “The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.”

She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn’t die!

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, “Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!”

So first time ever I decide like a dumbass to wax my downstairs lady stash. I didn’t want the embarrassment of going to a place, so I got a kit off Amazon(yay prime).

So i’m all cool putting the hot ass wax on the lady lips trying to cool her down because she’s getting angry and I’m bent all weird one leg up on the counter hand drying that shit with like a maxi pad I found in the drawer.

I had my husband pull it because I attempted it and I was like yeah that shit can just stay there forever now.

The position ain’t working of standing, here I am hobbling my ass to the bed like a humpback witch because the wax is hard and I can’t move right.

Hop up on the bed spread wax eagle like my lady cave got a tar pit in it. So hes like one…two…three and rips that shit off like he was starting the goddamn lawnmower and I swear I blacked out and saw my life flash before my eyes.

While yelling so many obscenities, I’m sure my neighbors heard it and assumed he fucked me to death.

I told my husband fuck you, I hope you enjoyed that shit and enjoy these bald ass meat curtains because I ain’t ever doing that shit again

Absolute truth…

What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate? I’m glad you asked…

12:05 pm: It’s time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR and you don’t want to be a pansy in front of your older brother’s friends.

It’s suppose to be grape flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything grape in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

12:06 pm: You deep throat a cupcake like you’ve been saving it for the apocalypse because let’s face it…that time is here. It’s going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You’re about to enter a very dark period in your life.

12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted shit in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. You’re wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
Take note…this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it’s boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3…2…1…

12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God…is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The shit/ water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

Is that blood?

False alarm.

That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5. The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your asshole to soften the blow but it’s not working. The whole house just heard your liquid shit fart as it gurgled out of your ass.

1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur. You have shit out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800’s, and your asshole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.
You’re now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

You meet Jesus.

8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they’ve seen in the last 8 hours.

You’re broken.

Your asshole’s broken.

Your spirit’s broken.

Life as you know it will never be the same. But…tomorrow’s a new day. You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn’t have a shit stain on it, and you’re going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left…and buy yourself a new toilet brush.

You’ve earned it.

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because her whole family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A man, while playing on the front nine off a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession.

I’m in sales also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh”.

“No, I won’t”.

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax”.

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!