An older woman goes into the plastic surgeon to have the skin on her face tightened. When she awakens from the procedure she feels a lump at the back of her neck. She asks the doctor what is this about. He responds, “that’s a custom dial that helps keep your skin tight, if you notice your skin sagging, turn the dial a little and it will fix the problem”
She happily goes on her way but just a few months later returns to the doctor for some help with the pimples on her forehead she can’t get to clear up. After close examination the doctor sits back and tells her “lady, those aren’t pimples, they are your nipples, and if you don’t quit turning that dial, before long you are going to have a mustache

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.” Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.” Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.” Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake.
Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked into Ole’s eyes and said, “Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.
Happy Sunday

Guy from the city goes out hunting ducks and he shoots one.
The duck falls out of the sky, into a field on the other side of a fence. So the duck hunter goes over to get the duck but sees no trespassing sign on the fence.
Looking around, he doesn’t see anyone, so he climbs over and gets the duck.
Suddenly this big farmer comes up.
Hey! What are you doing here, you’re on private property
Hunter says Well I shot this duck I came to get the duck.
Farmer says That’s my duck.
Hunter says No you don’t understand. I shot the duck, it’s my duck.
No you don’t understand. Where are you from?
From the city.
That’s the problem. You don’t understand property rights. My land, my duck.
Hunter says yeah but…
I tell you what, we’ll solve this the country way.
what’s that?
We kick each other in the groin, last one standing gets the duck.
Hunter says well okay.
My land so I go first.
So the farmer hauls off and kicks this guy in the groin as hard as he can. Laying on the ground moaning and groaning for15 minutes, finally catching his breath, the hunter gets up.
It’s my turn now.
Farmer says Ok you can keep the duck.

Three guys go to the golf club looking for a 4th, as their buddy moved out of state. They find a guy sitting at the bar.
“Yeah, I can play a round with you guys on Saturdays, but there might be times when I’m a little late.”
They head out to the course, and the new guy is amazing. Clearly a better player than the other guys. They have a good round, then make plans to meet next Saturday, same time. “Dont forget, I might be a little late,” the newcomer reminds them.
The next Saturday, the guy is on time, carrying left-handed clubs. Another amazing game, he easily out-plays the others. They finish back at the club, plan to meet again next week. “Don’t forget, I might be late.”
The following Saturday he is on time, with right-handed clubs again, and has yet another amazing game. As they head back to the club after the game, one of the guys asks, “it’s amazing how good you play, both left and right-handed. How do you decide which way you’re playing?”
“Well, when I wake up in the morning, I see how my wife is sleeping. If she is laying on her left side, I play left-handed. If she’s laying on her right, I play right-handed.”
“What if she’s sleeping on her stomach?”
“Those are the days that I’ll be late!”

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ……smiled and said, ‘He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week.’
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
‘THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR’
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, ‘WOW~~That’s more than twice a week ! ………..You could learn a lot from him.’
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
‘My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
‘That’s once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.’
I looked at her and said,
‘Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.’

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

*Moral of the story:*

1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend

3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

I’m doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch…