On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Two old men are sat on a bench at the park.

A young, fit girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts.

One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.

The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man”.

The girl replies “Aww you sweet old man!” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says “Two-nil motherfucker, your turn”.

Yesterday I was at my local TSC store buying a large bag of my dog’s food for my loyal livestock guard dog and was in the checkout, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I’d lost 10 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear end and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I’m now banned from Tractor Supply.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of things to say.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

RULES OF RURAL KENTUCKY ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a ‘dirt road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They’re live steaks. That’s why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-64 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $150,000 tractors….
6. So every person in rural Ky waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters, gravy, beans and cornbread. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at local bait shop..
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s religious holiday, always held on the second Saturday of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three seasonings – salt, pepper, and bacon grease. Oh, yeah…. We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat … IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring ‘coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. Yes, we invented Bourbon whiskey, and we are proud of that!!!
15. College and high school football are more important here than the Bengals or the Reds… and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards — it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
19. Two inches of snow isn’t a blizzard – it’s a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON’T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain’t Alaska . Worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The farmers with tractors with blades will have the roads cleared shortly.
A true Kentuckian will send this on!!!
20. By the way…. if you want to talk to God in Kentucky , it’s a local call

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from*a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable.”
The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly…
com-for-da-bull.”

Little Johnnie’s teacher asks three class if they saw anything interesting on the way to school.

Little Susie said she saw a fluffy dog.

Little Billy said he say a train.

Little Johnny said he saw a “flat” dog.

“Oh” said the teacher. “That’s terrible! Was he run over?”

“No” said little Johnny.

“Well how do you know he was flat?”

Replied little Johnny “well he must have been! There was another dog PUMPING him up”

Little Johnny and little Susie were in the playground at recess. Susies says to Johnny that she heard the older kids talking and heard the word penis. So she asks Johnny what a penis was. Johnny says he doesn’t know but that he will ask his dad when he gets home. So Johnny gets home, goes upstairs just as his dad gets out of the shower with a towel wrapped around himself. Johnny asks his dad, “whats a penis”? His dad hems and haws but then says, “well I guess your old enough”, then drops his towel and says, Johnny thats a penis and might I add its a perfect penis. The next day at school Johhny grabs Sussie’s hand and takes her behind the school, drops his pants and says, ” Susie, thats a penis and if it was 2 inches shorter it would be a perfect penis.

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

“What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

“MEN NEVER LISTEN”

The Army found they had too many Officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any Officer who volunteered for Retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first Officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000…

The second Officer who it was accepted was a little smarter, asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old WO2 who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to the base of my testicles.’

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Company Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The MO arrived and instructed the CSM to drop ’em,’ which he did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the CSM’s penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘where are your testicles?’

The CSM calmly replied, ‘On the beach in The Falkland Islands.’