A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills… The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks,”What’s up with the jar?”

“Well, you pay ten dollars, and IF you pass three tests you get all the money.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”

“Pay FIRST…” says the bartender, “Those are the rules.” So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar,”OK,” the bartender says, “here’s what you need to do…

“FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila – the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE and you CAN’T make a face while doing it…

“SECOND: There’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth…You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS…

“THIRD: There’s a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse…You’ve gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her.”

The man is stunned… “I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks…but I’m not an IDIOT! I WON’T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!”

“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your MONEY stays where it is.”

The man has a few drinks…then a few more. Finally, he asks, “WHERRRRE’S ZAAAT TEQUIIIILA?!”

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face.

Next he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up. The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then – SILENCE .

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.

“NOW,”he says,”WHERES THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!”

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.

Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted:

To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country’s spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a non-partisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes, John and Cindy McCain

PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

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A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, “You’re an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You’ll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you’d come in second.”

“Why would I come in second?” her husband asked.

She replied, “Because you’re an idiot!”

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea….does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS”?