Two carpenters are building a fence. The older guys takes a break to wipe his brow and stretch, and notices the younger guy taking a nail out of the box, looking at it, and throwing it over his shoulder. He takes the next nail out, looks at it, and throws it over his shoulder. Takes the next nail out, looks at it, and hammers it into the fence. Takes the next nail out, looks at it, and tosses it away.
The older guy walks over and says, “Why are you throwing these nails out?”
“Can’t you tell?” asks the kid. “The heads are on the wrong ends!”
“You idiot!” the older guy yells. “Those are for the other side of the fence!”
The mighty Mississippi was at it again, and Shamus had found religion. As he sat calmly on the porch of his now river-side house, some men floated by in a boat and said, “Come on Shamus! Get in the boat! We’ll take you to safety!”
“You boys jest be movin’ on,” said ol’ Shamus. “The LORD will protect me.”
As the waters rose, Shamus ascended to his upstairs bedroom. Again, another rescue boat drifted by and saw him looking out his window. “We’re here to rescue you,” they shouted at Shamus. “Climb out your window and into the boat, and we’ll take you to safety!”
But Shamus wasn’t moved. “I’m stayin’ put,” ol’ Shamus snorted. “The LORD will protect me!”
As time went on, the waters rose higher and Shamus had made his way onto his roof. The helicopter descended from above and dropped a rope. Over the loudspeaker they instructed, “Tie this rope around you. We’ll take you to safety!”
Shamus shouted back with all his might, “Leave me be! The LORD will protect me!!!”
And then the foundation of the house cracked, the structure collapsed, and Shamus was drown in the currents.
As his soul approached the pearly gates he saw St. Peter before him. He was a little sad and confused, “I’ve been a good Christian. I was sure the LORD would protect me.”
“What were you expecting? He sent you two boats and a helicopter,” scolded St. Peter.
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found an old lamp half buried in the sand. He decided to rub the side of it. Inside was a genie. The genie emerged and said, “I will grant you three wishes, and three wishes only.”
The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 10 million dollars!”
POOF! Several satchels of money were surrounding him.
Next he wished for a red Ferrari.
POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.
Then he made his final wish, “I wish I was irresistible to women.”
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
A blonde went to the doctor with a complaint that she hurt all over. “It hurts when I touch my breast, my elbow, my stomach, my thigh… I just hurt everywhere,” she whined.
“It’s no wonder,” said the doctor. “You have a broken finger.”
The blonde wanted to show her husband that she wasn’t a complete ditz. While her husband was off at work, she decided that she would paint a couple of rooms in the house.
When her husband came home he walked into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she was wearing both a parka and a fur.
“Are you OK?” he asked.
She said, “Of course”.
Then he asked her what she was doing.
She replied, “I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are incompetent imbeciles by showing you how well I painted a couple of rooms in our house.”
He then asked her about the fur coat over a parka.
She said matter of factly, “I was reading the directions on the paint can and they clearly said…
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”