A turtle was walking down the alley in New York City when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate the incident and asked the turtle if he could describe his assailants and give his account of what happened.
The poor turtle with a confused look on his face replied, “I don’t know, Detective, it all happened so fast!”
A brain and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. The brain says, “Can I get a couple of beers from me and my friend here?”
The bartender says, “There’s no way I’m going to serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the brain.
The bartender explained, “Well, you’re clearly out of your head, and your friend looks like he’s about to start something.”
With a heavy heart, Marshal knocked on his redneck neighbor’s door. Bubba answered the door in his dirty wife-beater, “What the hell do you want?”
“Well, Bubba,” Marshal began, “Your dog just jumped the fence into my back yard again…”
“What of it?” Bubba remarked while scratching himself.
“I hate to have to tell you this,” Marshal casually explained, “but my dog just killed your dog.”
Bubba was almost dumbstruck, but chuckled and said, “How the hell could your Chihuahua have killed my Rottweiler?”
Marshal continued, “Apparently my dog got lodged in your dog’s throat when he tried to eat him, and he choked.”
Two men were having lunch together as one says to the other, “I’m so embarrassed. I got a raging erection during a prostate exam today.”
“That’s not so bad. These things happen,” his friend responds.
“Yeah, well precum was definitely dripping out,” the first continued.
“It happens all the time,” said the friend.
“I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning, and I was getting really close to shooting my load.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. Lots of guys experience this sort of thing. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Yeah, but what if my patient had noticed?” replied the doctor.
Two pedophiles are sitting on a park bench discussing their propensities. The first one says, “I like’em real young, ya know?”
“Oh me too,” said the second, “The younger the better.”
Just then a six year old girl merrily skips on by.
“Whoa! Check out the body on that one,” said the first.
To which the other replied, “Yeah, I bet she was really something in her day.”