A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?”
He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”
Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the café and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?”
Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking starving!”

A trumpet player was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to an older couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, bondage, sado masochism, and at one point even a dog came in a started humping everyone on screen.

After a while, the embarrassed trumpeter turned to the couple and said, “I wouldn’t normally go to a movie like this, but I was the musician they hired. I’m only here to to see how the music turned out.”

“I know how you feel,” replied the elderly man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

A burglar broke into a house (as most burglars do) and proceeded to rifle through the belongings of the owner, looking for something valuable to steal.

Suddenly he heard a creaky voice speak: “Jesus is watching you.”

He looked around but saw no one. He continued his looting spree and again the voice said, “Jesus is watching you.”

The burglar spun around and came face to face with a parrot on its perch. “Did you say that?” asked the burglar.

“Yes, and Jesus is watching you,” said the parrot.

The burglar chuckled and asked, “So what’s your name, little guy?”

“Clarence,” spoke the bird.

“That’s a silly name for a parrot. Who named you that?” asked the thief.

“The same guy who named the rottweiler Jesus,” remarked Clarence.

A husband woke up at home with a huge hangover after St. Paddy’s day. He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sat up in bed and saw his clothing on the dresser beside him, all cleaned and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

He took the aspirins and noticed a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!”

Totally shocked with the note , he went to the kitchen and sure enough there was a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son was also at the table, eating. The husband asked, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son explained, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. You puked in the hall and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door”.

Confused, the man asked, “So, why is everything in order and so clean with breakfast on the table waiting for me? I would have expected a big argument with her!”

His son replied, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes off, you said, ‘Leave me alone, lady! I’m a happily married man!'”

It was nine o’clock Monday morning as the men in the office gathered around the water cooler discussing last Friday’s “Steak and Blowjob day”. Each tale got kinkier than the last as they attempted to out-brag one another. Just then Mike walked up to the group.
“Hey, Mike,” said one of the men in the group, “did your wife give you a pretty good Steak and Blowjob day?”
“Not exactly,” sighed Mike. “The only thing that sucked on Friday was the steak.”

Once upon a time there was a stork family – papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn’t show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn’t come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked ‘Papa stork, where were you last night?’ ‘Out making a young couple very happy,’ replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn’t come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked ‘Mama stork, where were you last night?’
‘Out making a young couple very happy,’ replied mama stork.
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn’t home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn’t come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, ‘Where were you baby stork?’ as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.
‘Out scaring the hell out of college students!’ replied baby stork.

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician did the same tricks each week. However, there was just one problem. The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting out the secrets in the middle of the show.
“Look, it’s not the same hat.”
“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything since it was the captain’s parrot. One day, the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for days. Finally, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?”

Tim had just been pulled over by a local deputy, “Sir, were you aware that you were going 50 in a 35?”
Looking the deputy square in the eye, Tim said, “Well, I probably got a little carried away drag racing that other car.”
The deputy looked around, but there were no other cars. “Have you been drinking today, Sir?” he asked.
“Well, I’ve probably had about three or four shots a whisky. It takes the edge off the cocaine,” said Tim in a very calm matter of fact manner.
“I’m going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle, Sir,” said the deputy. “Are there any weapons or drugs in the vehicle that I should be aware of?”
“Well, there’s about 5 kilos of heroine in the glove box, and a sawed off AR-15 under my seat,” Tim politely informed the officer, “But please don’t open the trunk or the man I just kidnapped might escape.”
With that, the deputy pulled his service weapon and aimed it at Tim, “Sir, keep your hands where I can see them, get out of the vehicle and lay down on the ground!” Then he grabbed his radio handset and called for immediate backup.
It wasn’t even two minutes, and the sheriff was pulling up to the scene with lights and sirens. The deputy explained that there was a man in the trunk but when they opened it, the trunk was completely empty. Then the deputy explained that there were drugs in the glove box and a weapon under the driver’s seat, but a complete search of the car turned up nothing. They even gave Tim a roadside breathalyser that returned a solid zero point zero.
The deputy was a little bewildered when Tim took the sheriff off to the side and said, “That cop over there must be losing it! So far he’s tried to convince you I was drunk, armed, trafficking drugs, and was kidnapping people! What else is he gonna come up with? That I was speeding too?”

A woman lost her husband of 40 years but was determined not to let death keep them apart. She hired a highly gifted medium to conduct a seance. The medium did not disappoint, and the spirit of her departed husband appeared before them.
“Harold, are you happy?” she queried.
“I am finally at peace and very happy,” spoke the ghostly voice.
“Are you as happy as when you were with me on earth?” she inquired.
“I am even happier than when I was with you on earth,” the spectre revealed.
“It sounds amazing! Harold, can you tell me what heaven is like.”
“I couldn’t tell you,” the apparition remarked. “I was sent straight to Hell!”

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ”H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ”Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ”M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.
“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”