Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?

After 25 years of marriage, a husband and wife found their sex life to be lacking. One day, the wife was shopping downtown when she walked by a lingerie shop. She went inside and noticed a sexy pair of crotchless panties for sale. She figured that if anything could spice things up, that would be it. She bought them and hurried home.
She had it all planned out, when her husband would come home from work he would find her waiting for him on the couch wearing nothing but her new panties.
Just as scheduled, she heard keys jingling in the door. and on cue spread her legs. Her husband glanced over at her as he walked in, but said nothing.
“How was your day?” she asked.
“Fine,” he answered blankly.
In a sultry voice she said, “Don’t you want some of this?”
He rolled his eyes and said, “Not if that’s what it does to your panties.”

A group of guys were drinking in a bar when an older drunken man staggers in. He ambled over and pointed at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Did you know your mom’s the best fuck in town?!”
Some of the patrons in the bar expected a fight, but the man sitting with his friends ignored the comment.
The drunk scoffed as he wandered off and bellied up to the bar at the far end. It wasn’t  ten minutes later, the drunk came back, pointed at the same guy, and says, “I fucked your mom, and she was so fine!”
Again the guy refused to take the bait, and the drunk went back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he came back and announced, “Your momma liked it, boy!”
Finally the guy stood up and said, “Go home, Dad. You’re drunk!”

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.
This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, “You need more tail!”
The father yelled back, “Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail, and you told me to go fly a kite!”

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please.”
And the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches  into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Dave works hard at the plant, and it seems he spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so  for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser.”
“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!”

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there good looking, how’s it going?”
Having already had a few power pops, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen! I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it.”
He says, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

Dave walks into a bar and sees Norman sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, “Norman, what are you So happy for?”
“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing’ my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me…boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said “It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave. She couldn’t swim!”
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees Norman sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, “What are you happy about today Norman?”
“Well Dave… I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing’ my boat, just waxing’ my boat and a beautiful blond came up to me…boobies out to here Dave. Boobies out to here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave! She couldn’t swim!”
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees Norman down there crying’ over a beer. Dave says, “Norman, what are you so sad for?”
“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya….Yesterday I was out waxing’ my boat, just waxing’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me..boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here. She says, “Can I have a ride in your boat?” So I said, “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out, Dave, Way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and Looked at her boobies and said ‘It’s either screw or swim!’ She pulled down Her pants and she had a pecker, Dave! She had this GREAT BIG PECKER! And I can’t swim Dave! I CAN’T SWIM MAN!

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, “Just what the heck is your secret?”
So Bubba replies, “Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ’em forever!”
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he passes a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, “You know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.”
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn’t notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, “Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?”
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, “A pumpkin?! Is it midnight already?”