A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.”
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say “hell” and you say “ass.”
“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
“Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The Mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

A blond was shopping at Wal*Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, “Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Wow,” said the blond, “that’s amazing. I’m going to buy it!”
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, also a blond, saw it on her desk. “What’s that?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” she replied.
“Wow, that’s amazing,” said the boss, “what do you have in it?”
“Two Popsicles and some coffee.”

A little boy was doing his homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which, is four.”

The mother was currently in the third trimester of her second child when her first born came up and hugged her belly.
“Mommy,” asked her curious 3 year old, “Are you getting fat?”
“Honey,” explained the weary mother, “we’ve discussed this already. Mommy is pregnant and your baby brother is growing in my tummy.”
“I know, Mommy,” said the little darling, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

A misbehaving young boy is sent to bed early by his father. Five minutes later the child called out, “Da-a-a-ad!”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad!”
“What?!”
“I’m thirsty! Can I have a glass of water?”
“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll spank you!!”
Five minutes later: “Daaaa-aaaad!”
“What?!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a glass of water?”

Dear Tide,
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.
After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Sincerely,
-Mary

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and angrily said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind; two, you didn’t read your homework, and three; one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
“Great,” says the frog, “Will I meet her at a party?”
“No.”
“Will I meet her at a night club?”
“No.”
“When will I meet this beautiful young girl?”
“Well,” said the psychic, “You will meet her next year — in biology class.”