A little old lady was walking down the street carrying two large plastic trash bags, one in each hand. One of the bags had a hole. Every once in a while, a $20 bill would come flying out of the bag and onto the pavement. A nearby police officer noticed this.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” the cop said. “Do you realize you have $20 bills falling out of one of your bags?”

The old lady looked back. “Damn!” she said. “Now I have to go back and see if I can find them. Thanks, officer!”

“Wait a minute,” the officer said. “Where did you get all this money? Did you steal it?”

“Oh, no. I earned it,” the lady replied.

“You earned all this money?” asked the cop.

“Yes,” the lady answered. “You see, officer, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Every time there’s a game, those darn kids have too much to drink and then they pee through the hedges right onto my flowers! It was driving me crazy! So I finally did something about it. I got out my hedge clippers. Now, every time a guy sticks his thingy through the hedges, I jump up, grab it, hold open the clippers and say, ‘$20 or off it comes!’ ”

The cop laughed. “Very good, ma’am! Have a nice day!” he said. He then asked, “What’s in the other bag, by the way?”

The old lady leaned close to the police officer and said in a hushed voice, “Not everybody pays up!”

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

“Okay,” the judge said, “tell the court why you want a divorce.”

“Well, your honor,” Dan started, “every once in a while my sister-in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.

“You’d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”

One day a sweet little girl became puzzled about her origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asked.

Her mother replied using the well-worn phrase, “Why God sent you from heaven, Honey.”

“And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continued.

“Yes, Sweetheart, he did.”

“And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?”

“Yes, Honey, all of them, too.”

The child shook her head in disbelief. “No wonder everyone is so grouchy! There hasn’t been any sex in this family for over a hundred years!”

Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there came a knock at the door.

“Who is it?”, called one of the nuns.

“Blind man,” replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns looked at each other and shrugged. The decided that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room and opened the door.

“Nice tits,” said the man, “where do you want these blinds?”

A man walked into a grocery store, “I would like half a head of lettuce.”

The teenager working there answered, “Sorry sir, we only sell full heads of lettuce.”

“But I only want half a head”

“Sorry, but we can’t do that”

Getting angry, the man demanded that the boy speak to the manager. So the teenager went back to the manager, and told him “Sir, there is some asshole in the store who wants half a head of lettuce…” When he turned to point out the the customer, he saw that the man was standing directly behind him. “And this gentleman wants the other half.”

With a nod, the manager sent the young clerk off and dealt with the customer. Afterward he went to the teenager, “Son, I am really impressed how quick you were on your feet back there. Where are you from?”

“I’m from Canada, sir,” the lad replied.

“Oh,” said the manager. “Why did you leave?”

“There’s nothing in Canada but hockey players and sluts.”

The manager replied, “My wife is from Canada.”

“Really, what team did she play for?”

Q: What’s long and black and smells like shit?
A: The welfare line.

Q: What is a black person’s worst fear?
A: Child support.

Q: What does a black person have in common with a broken soda machine?
A: They both don’t work and always take your money.

Q: What do you call a barn full of old niggers?
A: Antique farm equipment.

Q: What’s the difference between a black guy and an elevator?
A: The elevator can raise a child.

Q: A nigger and a spic fall from a tree, who hits the ground first?
A: The spic, because the nigger is stopped by the rope around his neck.

Q: How do you starve a black person?
A: Put their food stamps under a job application.

Q: What do you call a black woman getting an abortion?
A: A crime fighter.

Q: What does a nigger do after sex?
A: Usually 25 to life.

Q: Why don’t black kids play in sand boxes?
A: Because they are afraid the cats will try to cover them up.

Q: How do you stop black kids from jumping on the bed?
A: Put Velcro on the ceiling.

Q: Why do pill bottles have cotton in the top of them?
A: To remind niggers that they were cotton pickers before they were doing drugs.

Q: What do u call a bunch of blacks buried up to their heads in dirt?
A: Afro-turf.

Q: Why are black people such fast runners?
A: The slow ones are already in jail.

Two accountants were discussing a colleague’s interest in one of the firm’s new secretaries.

“I just don’t get it.” said one. “She’s an airhead, with nothing going on upstairs.”

“That may be true,” replied the other, “but I don’t think that’s the floor he’s getting off on.”

A psychologist is a someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful woman enters the room.

A professor is the man who can talk in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

John was a pathological philanderer. One day he was boasting about his sexual conquests and told Hal that he was currently dating two sisters.

“Both at the same time?” asked Hal.

“Well, not together,” replied John. “I visit them at different times so they don’t suspect they’re seeing the same guy.”

“You sure are a piece of work, John! How long do you think it will be before they catch you this time?”

“I dunno,” said John. “I’m surprised they haven’t figured it out already considering they both live in the same convent.”

A couple was having financial difficulties, so it was decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a notoriously popular corner and assured her that he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A man pulled up shortly after and asked her how much she wanted to go all the way.

She asked him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.

Her husband told her to charge the client one-hundred bucks.

She went back and informed the client, and he groaned, “That’s too much!” Then he asked, “How much for a hand job?”

She asked him to wait a minute again and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband told her to charge forty bucks. She came back and informed the man, and he felt that this was an agreeable price.

As the man began to remove his pants and underwear, the woman noticed he was really well hung. She asked him to wait a moment and ran around the corner again.

The husband asked, “Now what?”

The wife put out her hand and said, “I need to borrow sixty bucks!”