Bill was bragging to Bob about his sex life.
Bill said, “You know, my wife can manipulate the muscles of her vagina to make it feel just like a blow job!”
“Oh really?” said Bob, “Well my wife can manipulate the muscles of her jaw to sound just like a cunt!”
A blonde entered a sex shop and asked for a vibrator.
The clerk behind the counter motioned at the wall behind him and said, “You may choose from our selection hanging on this wall.”
The blonde looked over the vast collection in so many different sizes and colors before she pointed to one and said, “I’ll take that red one.”
“I’m sorry,” said the clerk, “but I can’t sell you that one, you’ll have to pick something else.”
“But I want that big red one!” insisted the blonde.
“No ma’am,” said the clerk, “That one is not for sale, you’ll have to pick another.”
Exasperated the blonde asked, “You said I could choose one hanging on the wall, so why can’t I choose that one?”
“Because that one,” explained the clerk, “is our fire extinguisher.”
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says,”Mom, I’m bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American, and her name is Shooting Star.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“I have an Indian name, too,” he says. “It’s Running Water, and you have to call me that from now on.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“You have to have an Indian name, too, Mom.”
“I already do,” says the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva.”
After enjoying a session of 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid the dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and a lot of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist’s office munching on a tin of peppermints.
After a brief wait, Joe was shown into the exam room where the dentist told him to take a seat in the chair.
Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide.
The Dentist got close and asked, “So, were you having 69 before you came here?”
Exasperated, Joe asked, “How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?”
The dentist replied, “No. you have a skid-mark on your forehead.”
After several years of serving the church in a far away land a priest was reassigned to a church in the South Bronx New York.
Upon his arrival he decided to set out immediately to learn the new culture by taking a walk down the street in plain clothes.
On his way a loose looking woman approached him said, “Hey Buddy, blow job 25 bucks.”
The priest glared at her in confusion and said, “What’s a blow job?”
The woman was just as confused and said, “Are you some kind of comedian?” and walked off.
The priest was undaunted and walked on to the next block. Again a seedy looking woman confronted him and said, “Hey mister, blow job 25 bucks.”
The priest quickly replied “What is this blow job!?”
The woman looked at him surprised. Sensing something was very wrong, she hurried off.
The priest now very curious returned to the church to ask anyone he could find about this thing he’s never heard of.
The first door he saw as he entered the church was that of Mother Superior.
The priest knocked on the door and Mother Superior invited him in to take a seat.
The priest looked at Mother Superior and said, “I have a question. What is a blow job?”
Mother Superior quickly went to shut the door, Upon returning to her seat she replied in a whisper, “Same as on the outside. 25 Bucks.”
A gentleman came in and sat next a pretty blonde at the bar. He ordered a drink and told the bartender to bring the lady whatever she was having as well. The two began to have a pleasant conversation.
After about three drinks the man was amazed by the woman’s seemingly high tolerance for alcohol. He gazed into her eyes for a moment and asked, “How many drinks does it take to get you tipsy?”
She frowned and gave the man quite a dirty look, “At least five or six, but my name isn’t ‘Tipsy’.”
A young woman bought a mirror at an antique shop, and hung it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully said, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four.”
Instantly, there was a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grew to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she ran to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both returned.
This time the husband crossed his fingers and said, “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”
Again, there was a bright flash… and his legs fell off.
A fellow walked into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sat down, and said, “Give me a beer. I’ve had a rough day at work.”
The bartender replied, “Oh? What do you do?”
The guy said, “I take care of the royal corgis– you know, the dogs the royal family owns.”
The bartender remarked, “Tough job, huh?”
The guy said, “Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the dogs aren’t too smart, either.”
Brandon’s concerns, though well meaning, were not well received by our celebrity chef. Was turning a deaf ear a mistake? Tune in next time to find out!
Of course, I’m not really sure when the “next time” will be, but I’ll leave a note in the “News” section when it’s ready.
Oh, and somebody should double check that subtitle… I think something got lost in translation.
A little old lady was walking down the street carrying two large plastic trash bags, one in each hand. One of the bags had a hole. Every once in a while, a $20 bill would come flying out of the bag and onto the pavement. A nearby police officer noticed this.
“Excuse me, ma’am,” the cop said. “Do you realize you have $20 bills falling out of one of your bags?”
The old lady looked back. “Damn!” she said. “Now I have to go back and see if I can find them. Thanks, officer!”
“Wait a minute,” the officer said. “Where did you get all this money? Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no. I earned it,” the lady replied.
“You earned all this money?” asked the cop.
“Yes,” the lady answered. “You see, officer, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Every time there’s a game, those darn kids have too much to drink and then they pee through the hedges right onto my flowers! It was driving me crazy! So I finally did something about it. I got out my hedge clippers. Now, every time a guy sticks his thingy through the hedges, I jump up, grab it, hold open the clippers and say, ‘$20 or off it comes!’ ”
The cop laughed. “Very good, ma’am! Have a nice day!” he said. He then asked, “What’s in the other bag, by the way?”
The old lady leaned close to the police officer and said in a hushed voice, “Not everybody pays up!”
