A deserting soldier was running down a road with two MP’s in pursuit. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.

He asked her, “Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I’ll explain why later.”

The nun agreed to his request.

Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, “He went that way”.

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said. “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”

The nun said she understood.

The GI said, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I’ve ever seen!”

The nun replied, “Well, if you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you’ve ever seen, because I don’t want to go to Iraq either!”

Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy.

Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.

At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil’s testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse’s desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil’s scrotum and completed the operation.

A few months later, Phil returned for a check-up. When the doctor asked how things were going. Phil replied, “Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife’s not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee, my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection.”

Standing nude and looking in the bedroom mirror Debbie said to Wayne, “I look horrible. I’m fat, my boobs and my ass are getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I think I’ll have to go up yet another dress size”.

Sitting down with her head in her hands she said, “I just feel so old and ugly. Can you please pay me a compliment?”

Wayne replied with a tone of understanding, “Well if it’s any consolation, your eyesight’s spot on!”

A nun, badly needing to use the toilet, walked into a local pub.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the toilet?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the toilet?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender. “Would you like a drink?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out.”

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head-over-heels in love with him, even though he was a married man.

“Oh, Sam,” she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, “isn’t there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?”

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, “Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms – is that really what you want for us?”

“No, no,” she sobbed, heartsick.

“Oh, well,” said the lawyer. “It was just a suggestion.”

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.

Her boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door.

Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, “Is that for sale?”

“Of course not!” she snapped angrily while blushing furiously.

Unchanged, he replied quietly, “Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.”

A group of cowboys were herding and branding cattle out on the range. While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for the night’s meal, he slaughtered the animal and cooked it.

After dinner, all the cowboys were sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, “Did I screw up the cooking?”

“No,” the cowboy replied. “You cooked up the screwing.”

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Manhattan with a plum in it.

The bartender says, “You mean a cherry.”

She says, “No, I mean a plum.”

The bartender says, “Look lady, I’ve been tending bar for 20 years and you’re the first person that’s ever asked for a Manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?”

She said, “Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I’ve been plumb crazy ever since!”

A woman was happily showing off her new BMW.

“It was nice of your husband to buy you that new car,” enviously remarked a friend.

“Nice nothing! He had to,” explained the woman. “I caught him in bed with the maid.”

“Oh, how dreadful!” replied the friend, sympathetically. “Well, did you fire her?”

“Certainly not! I still need all new outfits to go with the car!”

After Arthur Davidson, the the co-founder of the Harley-Davidson company, died, he went to heaven.

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were one of those boys who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention too:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”

God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.”