An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin’ at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, “You know mate, back home, we shear those!”

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, “I’m not bloody SHARING this with no one!

Things men SHOULDN’T say out loud in a Victoria’s Secret store:

9) No Thanks. Just sniffing.

8) I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.

7) Mom will love this.

6) Oh the size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.

5) No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.

4) Will you model this for me?

3) The Miracle What? This is better than world peace!

2) Forty Five bucks? You’re just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria’s Secret:

1) Oh, honey, you’ll NEVER squeeze your fat ass into that!

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse.
Bell #1 rings, and we all put our jackets on.
Bell #2 rings, and we all slide down the pole.
Bell #3 rings, and we are on the truck and ready to go!”

“So,” he continued, “from now on, we’re going to run this house the same way.
When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed
And when I say Bell #3, we’re going to make love all night!”

The wife seemed pretty agreeable with this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled,
“Bell #1!”- The wife took off all her clothes.
“Bell #2!”- The wife jumped into bed.
“Bell #3!”- They began passionate loving.

After two minutes, the wife yelled, “Bell #4!”

The confused husband asked, “What the hell is Bell #4?”

“More hose!” she yelled, “You’re nowhere near the fire!”

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were getting on an elevator.

As they walked in, they noticed a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator.

The brunette bent down for a closer look and stated, “It looks like cum.”

The redhead stooped down a little closer, sniffed through her nose, and proclaimed, “Yes, and it smells like cum.”

The blonde put the tip of her finger into the puddle and touched it to her tongue, shugged, and said, “Well, it’s nobody from our building.”

At a family get-together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asked, “Dad, what does fornication mean?”

The father freaked out. “Where did you hear a word like that?” he demanded.

“From Uncle Charlie,” replied the son.

The father charged off to confront his brother-in-law.

Of course Charlie didn’t have a clue what the problem was and explained that all he said was, “For an occasion like this you’d think they would serve champagne.”

A man riding the bus was minding his own business when a gorgeous woman sat next to him and started breastfeeding her baby.

For some reason the baby wouldn’t nurse, so she said, “Come on sweetie, drink up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A moment later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor said to the defendant. “You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” said the defendant.

“Upon which,” continued the prosecutor, “you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” said the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.

I don’t like that boyfriend, he’s rough, common, unemployed, and bloody stupid.”

“Oh, no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever, we’ve only been going out 9 weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”