A sex researcher phoned one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.
He asked the man, “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered ‘twice weekly’. Your wife, on the other hand, answered ‘several times a night’.”
“That’s right,” replied the bloke, “And that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”
A blonde and a brunette boarded an elevator.
On the next floor, the door opened and a man wearing a black suit got on the elevator.
It was pretty evident by the white flakes speckling his suit that the man had a pretty bad dandruff problem.
Two floors later the man got off, and the two women remained.
After the door closed the brunette said, “Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.”
The blonde thought about it for a moment before her head cocked itself to the side and she asked, “How do you give shoulders?”
Little Johnny walked in on his parents making love. Being naturally curious about the sight he asked, “Dad, what are you doing?”
Trying to maintain his composure is father said, “I’m filling your mother’s tank.”
Johnny replied, “Really? Well, you should trade her in on a model that gets better mileage. The mailman already filled her twice this morning.”
A couple was trying their best to save it for their wedding night, but one evening they were unable to resist each other any longer, and the young lady told him he could put it in, but only an inch or so.
He promised to restrain himself, and after assuming the position, he eased into heaven’s gate, but “only a little”.
After holding off for as long as he could, he recklessly slipped her the whole banana.
Moaning in ecstasy she cried out, “Oh, that’s wonderful, Darling! I’ve changed my mind! Please put it all the way in!”
Thinking fast her lover said, “I’m sorry my dear, but a promise is a promise!”
Three friends were talking at the bar.
The first friend admitted, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed… and they weren’t mine.”
The second friend answered, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
The third guy told them, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!”
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious! The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
A little boy and his grandfather were raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy found an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
The boy said, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather skeptically replied, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy ran into the house and came back out with a can of hairspray. He sprayed the worm until it was straight and stiff as a board. Then he put the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather handed the little boy five dollars, grabbed the hairspray, and ran into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather came back out and handed the little boy another $5.
The boy looked at the $5 and said, “But grandpa, you already paid me for the bet.”
The grandfather replied, “That’s from your grandma.”
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
“Chief Two Eagles” asked one official, “You have observed the white man for ninety years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress he made, and the damage he’s done.”
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the government officials over a minute, then calmly replied. “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex.”
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!”
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their love lives.
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once,” he replied. “Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”
“Don’t stop.”
Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work.
They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.
One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through.
He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.
The other man asked what was wrong.
The man said, “I can’t go up there that’s my wife and my mistress.”
So the other man says he will go.
He goes halfway and comes back.
His partner asked what happened and the man replied, “Small world, huh?”
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.”
The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”
The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?”
The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”
