Chris was an ambitious young man who was finally being considered for membership at an exclusive country club. As part of his trial membership, he spent a day at the plush club playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddie.

Sadly, Chris was a bit of a hack golfer. He played poorly all day. Along the 18th hole, he spotted a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looked at the caddie and said, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”

The caddie looked back at him and said, “Actually, I’ve been watching you play, and I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

A man traveled to Spain and went to a restaurant in Madrid for a late supper. He ordered the house special and he was brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“Cojones, senor,” replied the waiter.

“What are cojones?” the man retorted.

“Cojones,” the waiter explained, “are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon.”

At first the man was disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decided to try this local delicacy.

To his amazement, it was quite delicious. In fact, it was so good that he decided to come back again the next night and ordered it again. This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty objects were much smaller.

What’s this?” he asked the waiter.

“Cojones, senor,” the waiter replied.

“No, no,” the man objected, “I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these.””

Senor,” the waiter explained, “the bull does not always lose.”

A husband and wife were on the 9th green when suddenly the wife collapsed with symptoms of a heart attack.

The husband called 911 on his cell phone, talked for a few minutes, picked up his putter, and lined up his putt.

His wife raised her head off the green and stared at him. “I’m dying over here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” said the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asked feebly?

“No time at all,” said her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

After yet another shitty week at work, Shawn and Jerry went out for a night of heavy drinking.

After several hours and several rounds, Jerry looked at Shawn and said, “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”

Shawn didn’t say a word as he sipped his beer, but then Jerry lurched backward off his bar stool and laid motionless on the floor.

“One thing about Jerry,” Shawn said to the bartender, “he knows when to stop.”

An old man called is doctor, “Doc, it’s Harold.”

“How can I help you today, Harold?”

“It’s my wife, Ethel. I think she’s dead.”

“What do you mean you ‘think’ she’s dead?” asked the doctor.

“Well,” said Harold, “the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.”

Two men arrive in heaven at the same time. Saint Peter asked them to step forward and give their name and occupation.

The first man stepped up and said, “I’m Eric, and I was a taxi driver.”

Saint Peter reviewed his list and handed him a silk robe along with a gold staff before welcoming him to heaven.

The next man stepped forward and said, “I’m Glen, and I was a minister.”

Saint Peter reviewed his list and handed him a cotton robe along with a wooden staff before welcoming him to heaven.

A bit taken aback, the minister said, “I don’t mean to seem ungrateful, but the man in front of me received silk and gold.”

Saint Peter replied, “We judge by results. While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

A young woman having no luck in starting a family consulted her physician. After the results of numerous tests came back, the doctor was further perplexed and decided to confer with his two colleagues

As the three doctors were discussing the young woman’s condition, the first one came to the conclusion, “Well, it’s obvious this woman is impregnable,”

“Perhaps,” said the second, “but it is my belief that she is inconceivable.”

“No, no, no!” scolded the third. “It should be obvious by now that the woman is simply unbearable!”

A man walked into a bar with an alligator on a leash. As he sat down at the bar he asked the barkeep, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Of course we do, Sir. What can I get for you?”

With a satisfied smile the man replied, “I’ll have a beer for myself, and a lawyer for my gator.”