While his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, “You know, if you firmed up your butt you wouldn’t need to wear that girdle.”

The wife was angry but said nothing.

Just then the husband reached around and grabbed her breast and said, “Maybe if you firmed these up you could do without your bra.”

She couldn’t take it anymore. The wife spun around, grabbed her husband’s crotch, and replied, “And if you ever managed to firm this up we could do without the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

An explorer was searching in the Amazon jungle for this lost tribe whose women are reputed to have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches deep.

Finally he found the tribe and was invited to sit down with the chief.

“Is it correct,” he asked the chief, ”that your women have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches deep?”

“That is correct,” said the chief.

“However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches deep?” inquired the explorer.

The chief looked at him as if he were an idiot and said, “They stretch!”

Tammy and Vicki were admiring the new shirtless hottie in the neighborhood as he mowed his front lawn.

“He looks like a Chippendale dancer,” said Tammy, “but I wonder if he’ll be thoughtful and intelligent.”

“I doubt it,” sneered Vicki. “Guys like him all have their brains between their legs.”

Tammy giggled and said, “If that’s where it is, then I can’t wait to blow his mind!”

The teacher asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said, “My mom’s a whore.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office, then 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked, “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said, “Yes.”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, asked for my phone number, then gave me an apple.”

A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight while en-route home, and he asked the cab driver if he would be a witness, because the man suspected his wife of having an affair, and he wanted to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

After quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there before them was his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man who was also totally nude.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head as the wife shouted, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

“HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

“HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

“HE paid for your Football season tickets.

“HE paid for our house at the lake.

“HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

“HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.

“And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month.”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, ‘What would you do’?

With an understanding look, the cabby replied, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

A local prostitute was brought before the court for solicitation.

The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not guilty when the police had caught her in the act.

The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise.

“I am celibate,” the woman declared.

“Celibate?” the judge asked, wide-eyed. “How can you claim you are celibate?”

“It’s my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there.”

A farmer bought a cute little filly that he planned to race next season, but when he got her home, his old stallion got her scent and wanted her. He started kicking up dust and tried to get to her. The farmer didn’t want her pregnant because she wouldn’t be able to race, so he called the vet.

The vet told him to tie a bed sheet around the filly’s rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer did just that.

The next day, the farmer went out to the corral to make sure the vet’s solution worked, but the filly was nowhere to be found. The farmer followed her hoof trail to the neighbor’s farm and saw the neighbor’ kid out by their barn.

“Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?” the farmer asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her butt!!”

While having drinks with her friends, a woman noticed a rather homely man looking lonely at the bar.

Intrigued by this quiet man, she excused herself from the table and took a seat next to him.

After a brief ice-breaker she said, “You know, if you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

“If I did that,” the man replied, “I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”