This man owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I’m sending him over.” The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth”, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?” So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s eyes. “Ok, what about the eerth?” Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. “OK, finally, can I see her twat?” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?

*ADULT JOKES*
1) A soldier’s wife sends him her nude photo with both legs wide open …
“Darling, I’ll wait like this till you come back!”
Soldier: That’s great. But who has taken this photograph??
🤪🤪🤪🤪
2) Girl Friend: I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table …
Boyfriend climbs into bed slowly & says: Honey, would you pass the boobs please?
😊😊😊😊
3) Husband is praying before going to bed …
Wife: What are you praying for?
Husband: For guidance.
Wife: Pray for hardness. Leave guidance to me!!
😅😅😅😅
4) A collage student comes to his class with broken spectacles …
Teacher: What happened?
Boy: I was kissing my Girlfriend.
Teacher: But how did your spectacles break?
Boy: She closed her legs!!
😘😘😘😘
5) What’s the difference between a man & a woman …
A man always has the same DICK between his legs all his life …
A woman MAY NOT😁😁😁😁
6) After her operation, a blonde to the Doctor: How soon can I resume my sex life?
Dr: You are the first patient to ask this question after a tonsil operation!!
😜😜😜😜
7) During sex, Man suddenly stops and remains motionless.
He then starts again and after some time stops to remain motionless once again.
This goes on for quite some time.
Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Man: I have seen this new technique on an internet porn site…
Wife : Stupid……. it is due to Buffering
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️
8. Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant! Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!🙊🙈🙉😊😊
9. The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female. And you always wondered why the
sea tasted salty?
🧤🧤🧤🧤
10. Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you? To see if you really mean it!!
🤩🤩🤩🤩
Why is sex similar to shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.
💃🕺💃🕺
11. Wives are funny creatures. They don’t have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does..
😎😎😎😎
12. Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex. Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
😏😏😏😏
13. The stock markets are now like an old man’s dick? Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone is still getting screwed!
👏👏👏👏
14. This week is Breast Awareness Week. Spread the slogan ……. “We stare because we care!”
🤥🤥😏😏
15. The saddest part of a man’s body is his balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to “Hang Till Death!”
😬😬😬😬
16. A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in. He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me…. twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn’t you call me in after he screwed you the first time?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
😂😂😂😂
17. What is the difference between a chicken and a baby? Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
🤠🤠🤠🤠
18. If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man’s underwear? Banana splits..
Ouch….😛😛😛😛
Collected.
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn’t be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday” 😬😱😜😝😝

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18. She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 18 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the expression on her face.”
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 18 years and watch the expression on his face

A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they’d get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling “Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!”

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.
The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.
When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”
Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”

To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:
We will wake the kids – 54 times
It’s too late – 15 times
I’m too tired – 42 times
It’s too early – 12 times
It’s too hot – 18 times
Pretending to be asleep – 31 times
The neighbors will hear – 9 times
Headache or backache – 26 times
Sunburn – 10 times
Your mother will hear us – 9 times
Not in the mood – 21 times
Watching the late show – 17 times
Too sore – 26 times
New hairdo – 6 times
Wrong time of the month – 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
———————————————-
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times
Did not come home at all – 36 times
Did not come – 21 times
Came too soon – 38 times
Went soft before you got it in – 19 times
Cramps in your leg – 16 times
Working too late – 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”🙂

Guy walks in a bar with a black eye and sits down.

The barman says “That looks nasty, what happened”?

The man says” My wife complained that we don’t make love like they do in the movies, so I ripped her clothes off and bent her over the sink. Then I fucked her hard while spanking her and then pulled out, spat on my dick and stuck it in her ass. I then threw her on the floor and came on her face and tits”.

The barman said ” Wow, that sounds amazing, but why the black eye”?

“Well, it turns out we don’t watch the same movies”.