The pastor stood before his congregation on Sunday. With his arms outreached he announced, “Friends, I have good news and bad news regarding the money we need to fix the roof of our church.”

There was a slight murmur in the crowd as everyone was well aware of the pitiful condition of the roof.

“The good news is,” the pastor continued, “that after a careful review, I’ve been able to determine that we have enough money to properly repair the roof.”

As a jubilant titter filled the pews, the pastor raised his hands and motioned the group to settle down.

“Of course there is a bit of bad news to go with it,” he said as everyone hushed. “The money to fix the roof is still in your pockets!”

Billy Jo asked Mary Sue to go to a movie with him.

“No, I won’t go to the movie with you,” said Mary Sue, “because I know what you will do! You will unbutton my blouse with one hand, and have your other hand up my leg!”

“I wouldn’t dare do that!” howled Billy Jo. “Why, people behind me could see us!”

“That’s right,” said Mary Sue. “So could we get there early and take our seats in the back row?”

Little Abraham, a young Amish boy, was sitting on his bed reading the Bible.

Suddenly, his father stormed in, grabbed him and dragged him out into the pasture.

In the pasture was a sheep chewing grass. His father pointed to the sheep and said, “Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!”

Little Abraham kneeled and said, “Father forgive me, for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast.”

Saddened his father said, “Thou art forgiven my son. But know this. There will be REAL trouble if I taste it again.”

A deaf couple had gotten married. During the first week of marriage, they realized they couldn’t communicate in the bedroom with sign language after they turned out the lights.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decided to propose a solution.

“Honey,” she signed, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times.”

Bob and Tim were sitting at the bar. Bob lit up a cigarette.

“My wife gave me an ultimatum last night,” said Bob. “Either I quit smoking, or she won’t have sex with me anymore.”

“Ouch! That’s harsh,” said Tim. “How long do you think you can hold out?”

“Until my girlfriend dies and I get arthritis.”

Jim approached the Elections Office receptionist and said, “I want to register as a candidate for the upcoming election.”

She replied, “Certainly, sir. Just fill out this form.”

A few minutes later, he was back.

“Do I really need to answer this question: ‘Are you circumcised?’ Is that really necessary?”

The receptionist replied, “Yes. If you’re circumcised, you’re not eligible to run.”

“What possible difference would that make?” Jim protested.

“Well, as everybody knows,” informed the receptionist, “all politicians are complete pricks!”

Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

“Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don’t you try playing doctor for an hour? That’s what I do,” said Irving.

“Sounds great,” Morris replied, “but how do you make it last for an hour?” ”

“Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!”

A little girl was in line to see Santa.

When it was her turn, she climbed up on Santa’s lap.

Santa asked, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

The little girl replied, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Santa looked at the little girl for a moment and said, “I thought Barbie came with Ken.”

“No,” said the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”