During a visit to the mental asylum, a young reporter asked the head psychiatrist, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I get it,” said the reporter. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the doctor, “A normal person would pull the plug. Now would you prefer a bed near the window?”

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.”

So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park…” Then the power went off!

The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time.”

Ron asked his wife Kim, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

Ron thought for a moment and suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

Greg didn’t know what to get his wife for her birthday, so he went to his friend Hal for advice. “I’m really stumped, Hal,” said Greg. “You know my wife. She’s already got just about everything, and I really don’t know what else she would need or want.”

Hal thought about it for a minute and said, “Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!”

Greg thought it was a great idea and decided to give it a try. A week later the two friends met up again. “How’d it turn out?” asked Hal.

“She loved it,” replied Greg. “She jumped up, thanked me, gave me a big kiss, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’!”

A husband brought his wife to a psychiatrist.

The doctor asked, “So what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s my wife, Doc,” said the man. “For the last six months she’s had this delusion that she’s a lawnmower.”

The psychiatrist frowned and said, “This is very serious! Why didn’t you bring her in sooner?”

“Well I would have, but my neighbor kept borrowing her to mow his grass!”

Deep in the heart of a local cemetery, a man kneeled in front of a grave and wailed, “Why did you die?! Oh why did you have to die?!”

A passing groundskeeper knelt beside the man and said “I’m so very sorry for your loss. I imagine you must have been very close to the deceased.”

“No, actually I never met the man,” the mourner replied.

“Never met the man? Then why are you so distraught?”

The mourner wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “He was my wife’s first husband!”

A Russian man kicked a bottle as he strolled down a street in Moscow. Suddenly a genie came out of the bottle. The Genie said to the stunned Russian, “Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want.”

The Russian thought aloud, “Well, I really like drinking vodka. It would be nice to drink vodka whenever I want, so I wish I could piss vodka.”

The Genie granted him his wish and disappeared.

When the Russian got home, he went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass from the cupboard, and pissed in it. He looked at the glass carefully. It was clear, looked like vodka, and even smelled like vodka. So he took a taste and amazingly it was the best vodka he had ever tasted!

The Russian called his wife, “Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!”

When his wife came into the kitchen, the Russian took another glass out of the cupboard and pissed in it. He then told her the story of what had happened and encouraged her to try it.

Natasha was reluctant but curious. She took a sip, and it was indeed the best vodka she had ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Russian came home from work and told his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeded to piss in the two glasses. The result was the same. The vodka was excellent and the couple drank until the sun came up.

Finally it was Friday evening. When the Russian came home, he told his wife, “Natasha, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.”

As Natasha pulled the glass from the cupboard, she asked, “But Boris, why only one glass?”

Boris took the glass from her hand and replied, “Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle.”

John underwent a sex-change operation that transformed him into a beautiful women, and would now be known as Joan. After her recovery, Joan decided to meet with her old friend Pete for drinks at a bar.

“I’m completely amazed Joan,” said Pete. “You look great! You’re beautiful!”

Joan replied, “Thank you, but holy Christ, did it hurt.”

Pete cocked his head and remarked, “Oh, you mean when they cut open your chest and put in those implants?”

“No,” said Joan, “that didn’t really hurt.”

“When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?” asked Pete.

“No, that didn’t really hurt either,” said Joan.

“Then what was it that was so painful?” asked Pete.

Joan sighed, “When the doctor drilled a hole in my head and sucked out half of my brain.”