This is the curator’s corner; a place where I express my own thoughts about whatever crosses my mind. The jokes are much more fun to read. This section of the site can safely be ignored.
For the past several weeks I’d been dealing with this painful lump in my throat that made it hurt to swallow. I knew it was either strep or cancer. The good news is, it doesn’t appear to be cancer, but it has taken a couple different rounds of antibiotics to knock this shit out of me.
My lymph nodes are still sore, so I’ve been trying to get as much rest as possible. Not that simple when work keeps piling up at my job, but what else can you do?
I am getting better though.
Kudos
Even Glenn’s not sending me much in the way of jokes this week. It’s not like anyone really reads these jokes anymore. I’ll just start posting the latest Dow Jones reports. Got a joke? I’d love to hear it. Head over to the submission page and type it in for me! You can also email it to flush2x@gmail.com.
“My sore throats are always worse than anyone’s.” ― Jane Austen
Something I’ve been keeping a low key on was an ongoing sore throat. I figured it would eventually go away, but then it got hard to swallow. As of right now, my throat still hurts, but I’m finally on antibiotics. Let’s hope I can be rid of this in the next few days.
So why did I let it go on for so long? Partially because I was needed badly at work, and also because you couldn’t get in to see a doctor face to face because of the whole Covid19 hype. After the first of the month, a few places started opening back up. I was able to get in to see someone to swab my throat, confirm it was strep, and prescribe the antibiotics.
Of course now they’ve added “sore throat” to the list of symptoms for Covid19, but a month ago they were telling us that it wasn’t a symptom. Next month they are probably going to tell us that “blue eyes” is a symptom of Covid19. No wonder the nut jobs think this is a hoax.
When one side starts to get paranoid and the other side gets frustrated and annoyed, good things never happen.
Kudos
George keeps sending “inspirational” emails, so we are still relying on Glenn for the jokes. Maybe you should try getting off your lazy ass and help by sending jokes to my submission page or drop me a laugh or two off at my flush2x@gmail.com email address.
“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.” ― Aesop
It feels like most of the internet is whining about how hard it is living under the “stay at home” orders. I must concede that much of the content currently being produced by creators following the self-isolation rules has suffered in quality. Since I tend to use the internet for entertainment purposes, that actually does have a negative impact on my daily life.
Here’s the thing: I go to work in a factory where I make things, and some of them are medical, and medical is essential, so the factory is up and running as usual, save for the ubiquitous face masks that are unpleasant to wear.
After work, I make my way back home, stopping along the way if I need groceries or whatnot. Sometimes I go through a drive thru for dinner, but most of the time I fix my own meals at home. Normally I would never actually go out to eat inside of a restaurant unless family or friends had planned a “thing”.
Once I’m home, I’m generally home for the night. I might do yard work, or I may even have to go out for some must-have that I didn’t pick up on my way home from work. On the rare occasion when I don’t feel like shit and the weather is nice, I might actually take the dog for a walk.
So for me, nothing has changed! Nothing save for the fact that I have to listen to everyone else endlessly whine about how their lives have been upturned by social distancing. Bitch, please! Your “social distancing” is my default setting. I actually kind of like it when people stay the fuck away from me.
The one thing I feel shortchanged on is the fact that I still have to go to work. I’d love to be laid off, sucking down unemployment, and getting paid an extra $600 a week to stay home! This is horseshit! I’m busting my ass working overtime for less money than I would if I had been laid off!
To make matters worse, if I do get sick, my employer won’t provide sick pay, I won’t be allowed to work, and I still won’t get unemployment. I’m just fucked all the way around.
So I wish I had your “cabin fever” problem right now. I’m still having to struggle every fucking day of my life while the rest of you hootenannies are carrying on like your humanity is being abused!
You can all go to fucking hell already!
Kudos
So last week you might have noticed that more of the the jokes came from Glenn rather than George. That’s because George hasn’t actually been sending me jokes lately. He’s doing OK though. If the mood overcomes you, our submission page awaits your generous offerings. My e-mail (flush2x@gmail.com) is also at your disposal.
“Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” ― Aristotle
When I first started Flush Twice back in 2003, I was hosting the site on a very simple web server in my basement. Because my internet connection was a dynamic IP address, I had to use a rapid DNS updater. This was a manual process that I had to go through whenever my IP address changed. Typically, my IP address changed on a random day every other week or so. I also hand coded the HTML, and manually updated the pages via FTP every single day.
As some of my long time visitors might recall, in 2005 I ran away from home and joined the circus. (Actually, it was the Army, but same concept.) Since I was no longer at home, I was not able to keep updating the DNS server. Flush Twice quickly went offline, but a couple months later I shelled out the money for a web hosting provider. Now the site would reliably remain online without my constant hovering, but the pages still had to be manually updated.
My original web server in the basement didn’t support PHP or MySQL, but now that I was paying a web host for my server needs, I felt it was time to make use of the added benefits. That is why in 2008, I installed Movable Type to my site. That lasted only a few months before I switched it over to WordPress, and that’s how I finally entered into the world of “Content Management Systems”.
The stock install was not very attractive, so to make WordPress look better I had to install a theme. I honestly don’t remember the name of it, but I really liked the way the sidebar overlaid on the header. I really miss that detail. That theme got an update, which kind of broke a few things, then something else went wrong with it, and finally the author abandoned it. Long story short, I had to switch to a new theme.
Another feature of WordPress is the plethora of plugins. These are “extra features” written by independent programmers to add more functionality to WordPress. I think I originally started out with about 4 or 5 plugins, but today I have about 32. Things like posts in the sidebar? That’s a plugin. The submission page that no one uses? That’s a plugin. Lazy loading images (images don’t actually download till you scroll down the page to where they would be visible) is a plugin.
Most of the plugins are more for back-end stuff. There’s a backup and migration plugin, an XML sitemap plugin, a plugin to clean up the database, a plugin to prevent brute force attacks, and a plugin to remove the privacy invading Google fonts that WordPress insists on using. Heck there’s even a plugin to automatically update the plugins when updates are available… And that’s where things get dicey.
So every now and again, an author of a plugin sees dollar signs. The plugin updates, and now the latest version is… something else. The plugin becomes bloated and intrusive. It has slick, eye-catching graphics that persist on all the admin screens, and encourages you to upgrade to their “Pro” package, and install their “other” plugins. It also comes with new terms and conditions that feel a little invasive as well.
Of course I don’t frivolously install plugins, so when a plugin goes rogue like that, it really hurts. There’s a trust violation. The scary truth no one talks about is that the author could upload something outright malicious, so when they upload something vaguely “spammish”, you really want that shit off your site ASAP.
Fortunately in this instance, I had a backup of the offending plugin. I was able to delete the bloatware and upload an older version from before it all went pear-shaped. I then had to tell the auto-updater not to update that hot mess.
Unlike the various star rating plugins, this is an essential back-end component, and there is no immediate substitute. It does look as though the backup is of a manageable size, so one option is to go through every file and gut the all references to original author from the plugin. It ain’t easy, but I have done this before.
In the meantime I have to look at that ugly red circle notification whenever I log in, taunting me that there’s an update available… An update that is toxic and would poison my site.
Kudos
OK, so we have reached the point where I say thanks to Glenn and George because they email jokes to me, and then I beg for viewers like you to visit our submission page and drop off a joke or two. You could also email jokes to me at flush2x@gmail.com.
“Coding, like poetry, should be short and concise.” ― Santosh Kalwar
About ten years ago, I started vaping in an attempt to quit smoking. It worked, and I no longer smoke. I still occasionally vape, and I make my own juice.
See back in the day, they really only had flavors that tried to mimic tobacco. They also had some minty flavors and some fruity flavors that were nothing like what people have access to today. The fruit flavors back then were very mild, and were also accompanied by those so called “tobacco” flavors. Granted, vaping was still very new at the time, but it was disappointing even back then.
OK, so along the way I heard about making your own e-liquid. It was cheaper and tastier than the pre-made juices. I had bought a bunch of LorAnn flavorings and went to work crafting the greatest e-liquid the world had ever seen!
Actually, my e-liquid that I settled on is a flavorless mix of PG and VG with an absurdly low 1mg/ml of nicotine. It’s tasteless, odorless, and has a mild throat hit… But I digress.
Citrus zest, coriander, cinnamon, and nutmeg. These are the primary ingredients to make a popular flavor known as “Cola”. There are a myriad of flavor possibilities out there. Go down any grocery aisle, and you will find dozens of soda pop flavors, but they only scratch the tip of the iceberg. There are soda flavors out there that you have likely never even heard of!
So I bought a “SodaStream Fizzi” at Target the other day, and now I’ve been playing around with trying to come up with the greatest soft drink the world has ever seen! Of course most of the stuff I’m making is totally gross. Carbonated carrot is hardly a winner, but it’s something fun to do while I wait for the world to end.
Kudos
Glenn sent me some jokes. I stole a few from another website. If you feel like it, check out our submission page or send jokes to flush2x@gmail.com.
“Soft drinks: The gooey, bubbly sea drowning our American children.” ― Marlene Dietrich
My family has three sacred holidays. The most important is Christmas, followed by Thanksgiving, and then there is Easter. Our family clan has gathered on the 4th of July only once, but that’s usually a “Do your own thing” holiday just like New Year’s and Labor day. And outside of the day off work, Memorial day doesn’t get much love either.
Typically though, we will have about one or two non-holiday family gatherings during the summer, but that’s about it.
It was almost weird not having Easter this year. I say “almost” because in recent years, I could take it or leave it. Traditionally my dad hosts Easter, and he’s gotten much older and crankier. Going over and helping him set things up is a true test of patience that I don’t have anymore.
He had a strong tendency to get pissed and fly off the handle at me for absolutely no valid reason. He would go off on stupid shit like merely asking, “Hey Dad, where do you want me to put the cooler?” His dementia fueled tantrums has driven me to the point where I have to outright refuse to help him set up for family gatherings.
So I’m not sad that Easter got the ax. If anything, it’s kind of nice that I didn’t have to put up with the stress of it all this year.
Hopefully you and yours are also enjoying a low stress Easter.
Kudos
Thanks to Glenn and George for providing me with jokes this week. Our submission page is still open as is my email address at flush2x@gmail.com. Please consider contributing a joke or two.
“When you’re 89, dementia develops. I mean, I’ve told a story onstage, and I’m telling it with a full heart, and I forgot the damn punch line.” ― Jerry Lewis
So in my continuing operating system saga, I have once again returned to the Linux Mint Debian Edition (aka LMDE). On March 20, version 4 was released. Being the sentimental type, I just had to try it out.
Debian is one of the greatest distros out there, but getting it installed and correctly configured can be quite the hassle. LMDE is much easier to install and is essentially a Debian box with all the bells and whistles preconfigured.
My biggest beef with LMDE is that they no longer provide a version that comes with the MATE desktop environment. The Cinnamon desktop is now the only option, and quite frankly I don’t like it very much.
For those who don’t know, the desktop environment is what you see on your computer. It provides the look and feel, and is one of the most important aspects of a Linux system. If a distro doesn’t support your preferred desktop environment, it’s a definite deal breaker! That’s why last time I jumped ship from LMDE (Debian) to Linux Mint (Ubuntu).
Now don’t misunderstand- You can install whatever desktop environment you want on any distro, but if your distro doesn’t “support” it, you’re on your own, and things might not work like they’re supposed to.
Fortunately this time around there is an EASY fix. After installing LMDE (which only comes with Cinnamon), I opened the terminal and typed the command “sudo tasksel”. It’s like a one-stop-wonder for installing preconfigured software. I selected the MATE option and it did all the work for me!
Once MATE was installed, I logged out, switched to the MATE desktop, logged back in, and used the software manager to delete Cinnamon. Now I’m back home again, and everything works like it’s supposed to!
I realize that Linux is not for everyone, but I’ve just become really comforable and accustomed to the MATE desktop environment. Windows kept changing their layout from 7, to 8, to 10, and now there is another version of 10 again. Meanwhile, MATE kept everything the same, and I like that kind of stability in my life.
So what’s left to talk about? How about them workers.
So in real life, I’m a blue collar worker. My employer makes a variety of products deemed essential, so I do not get to take the lovely “stay-cation” that the rest of the online world seems to be enjoying at this present point in time.
It is true that I have my own desk and computer at work, but I make my living repetitively lifting heavy shit that fucks up my back. I also have to play nice with the office dwellers who have no fucking clue about how great a toll manual labor takes on a person’s health and well being.
The problem is complicated. If an individual has a problem, it is assumed that the individual is the problem. You have to have several issues across multiple people without any outliers. If just one person can handle it, then that’s all the evidence they need to claim that it is the person, not the job that is the problem. It is not until enough people have fallen by the wayside (and possibly a legal issue or two) that white collar workers (upper management) suddenly find religion.
You would think that management addressing working conditions would be a relief to the blue collar worker, but it is not. It usually makes things worse. The solutions usually requires more steps and procedures that ultimately end up being more difficult. For bonus points, they sometimes add in required documentation that must be signed and turned in on a regular basis that is worded in such a way as to imply that everything is fine. They make it so workers have to sign this paperwork if they want to keep their jobs. The documentation will later be used against any worker who manifests a problem because everything was obviously not fine when they signed it.
Ultimately the worker comes to an uncomfortable realization. They need the money this job affords, but over time, this job can cause physical harm. If harm is caused, making it known can lead to the worker being dismissed from their position which would result in a financially devastating loss of pay. They keep quiet about any problems and mask them for as long as possible. They try to find little cheats and tricks to mitigate the harm they are faced with. They also hold onto the hope that someday something better will come along before the harm done is irreversible.
In some cases that “something better” is a retirement twenty years from now, and sometimes it is finally qualifying for permanent disability. Far too often nothing better comes along, and the worker is left broken and abandoned.
As mentioned before, my employer managed to get themselves deemed “essential” so they could stay open. If our shop had been closed down like everything else, we would all be getting our no-hassle unemployment checks from the state right now.
To meet with compliance, management is making us spray everything down with a disinfectant spray throughout the day. The whole factory reeks of this shit, and it irritates our lungs, but nobody dares to cough.
If the management even thinks you are sick, they will send you out on unpaid “sick leave”, and won’t let you come back without a doctor’s note… As if anybody could even get in to see a doctor right now. The waiting list for my primary care doctor is over two weeks!
So hang in their kids. I don’t wish this shit on anyone but when the “Boomer Remover” starts to infect those who have actively worked against my best interests, I really can’t say I feel too bad about that.
Kudos
Due to the corona virus, George and Glenn are DEAD! No more jokes evar!
Just kidding. George and Glenn are fine. They send me the jokes, I pick out the best ones, clean and disinfect them, and publish them for your enjoyment. Of course anyone can send me jokes via our submission page or by sending them to flush2x@gmail.com.
“It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.” ― Steven Wright
I just got the call from H.R. today. Because of the new epidemic edict in Ohio, the company that I work for is officially closed until further notice.
Lovely.
Now that I’m stuck at home for however long “they” decide, I might as well take the opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep. Afterwards, I might try to fix the storm door my dog destroyed. Of course at no time will I be working to make improvements to this website since I will never have enough time for that.
The good news is, we’re allowed out of the house to go to the store, walk the dog, and scare the shit out of old people with a couple of coughs. I know one woman who is spraying the inside of her house with ― now get this ― rubbing alcohol… and she’s the only person in her house! She’s terrified the virus going to jump on her if she goes outside. The paranoia is surreal. The whole thing is surreal. Salvador Dali is surreal, but the shit going on right now makes his work seem less unnerving and illogical than the world around me at this time.
The governor of Ohio has given us the order to stay in our homes until April 6th. I’m an introvert, so that part should be fairly easy for me. The hard part is getting my unemployment pay since the website isn’t working properly. Managing my finances during this time is going to really suck.
Update 3/23/2020
It looks like my time off has been cut short. Somehow my job has been declared essential, and I go back to work tomorrow. This is a great relief for me since it is impossible to actually file for unemployment at this time (the website is broken), and there are no physical offices open for this purpose anymore. My employer’s payroll system is a far faster and more reliable way to make a buck!
H.R. actually emailed me some papers they said I should keep on me when traveling to and from work. Are you shitting me? They’re pulling a “Papers, Please” in the good ol’ US of A? That’s beyond fucked up! Of course I opened the pdf file and it was just a copy of Ohio’s “Stay at home order” with certain lines highlighted. I might as well carry a piece of paper that says, “I can do what I want.” But then that already sums up my philosophy on life anyway.
Stay strong, wash your hands, and social distance not because they told you to, but because everybody sucks. Be safe out there.
Kudos
Neither Glenn nor George are currently affected by CoVid 19. On the other hand, the jokes they’ve been sending me should probably be quarantined. Nevertheless, I’m presenting them here. If you would like to donate a joke, head over to our submission page or send it by email to flush2x@gmail.com. All jokes are tax deductible, and make great substitutes for toilet paper.
“There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.” ― Salvador Dali
Of course no one really knows how fucked up things are going to get, but I’m not planning on getting too flustered over it. I’m already an introvert, so it’s not like you have to tell me to avoid other people.
Of course COVID-19 is on tour, and it’s coming to a town near you. Apparently the symptoms range from nothing at all to death. That’s quite a spread, and that’s why some people believe it’s a hoax conjured by the “dems”, and others are freaking out and buying all the hand sanitizer and Charmin in the tri-state area.
Honestly, I could really do without all the drama. I still have to go to work in the morning, and the vast majority of people around me are not about to shelter in place when their job is on the line.
I foresee three possible futures: The first is where a whole bunch of people get sick and die. In the end, the survivors will be mostly immune, and we will pick up the pieces and carry on.
The second is that this will all blow over, and while a few people may get really sick and die, it’s probably nobody you know. The “Told-you-so” pundits will crow about it until you wish the virus had taken you.
The third outcome is a bit more complicated. They’re going to milk this. It’s going to be like “Nine-Eleven” in slow motion, only this time the terrorists will be people who refuse to comply with the draconian edicts imposed by the government. Imagine the TV show “COPS”, but busting people for being outdoors without a hazmat suit and shooting suspects for coughing in public.
The “shit show” is about to begin.
Kudos
Well thankfully George and Glenn are still alive and sending me jokes via email. Our submission page remains open in spite of the social distancing, and as always you can email me at flush2x@gmail.com.
If a Black Death could be spread throughout the world once in every generation survivors could procreate freely without making the world too full. ― Bertrand Russell
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
