Category Archives: Jokes

Ted and Cindy were working in their garden one day when Ted mentioned, “You’re butt is getting really big,I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then his wife’s bottom.

“Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!”

Cindy chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Ted was feeling a little frisky. He made an advance towards his wife, but she completely brushed him off.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

She answered, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

A salesman left town on business. After a couple of weeks he came home and told his wife about it.

“Guess what dear,” he said with enthusiasm. “In only two weeks, I earned 4000 dollars by selling 50 mattresses!”

To which the wife replied “Really? Well with just one mattress, I managed to earn almost twice as much.”

A drunk blonde sat at the bar and called out, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”

The barman mixed her drink and put in down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she called him over and said, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”

He rolled his eyes but mixed her drink anyway and set it down in front of her.

A few minutes later, she waved him over again and said, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”

The barman looked her up and down and said, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And finally, you don’t have heartburn, your left tit is laying in the ashtray.”

Harold and Maude had a wonderful marriage, except that Maude was a sex addict who had been very unfaithful.

Harold finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to get help and never again be untrue to him.

One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget.

He cried out, “Maude! How could you? After you made me a solemn promise I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!”

Maude replied, “My dearest Harold! You are the love of my life! Don’t you see? Don’t you understand? I’m tapering off!”

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach in Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book.

“Do you live around here?” she asked.

“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted.

“Do you like pussycats?”

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.

“What’s this for?” she asked her husband.

“If you put a quarter in it,” he said while reaching into his pocket, “the bed starts vibrating.”

“Save your money,” she said with a wicked grin. “When you’re a quarter in, I’ll start vibrating.”

A woman was sitting at home one morning when she heard a knock at the door.

She went to the door and saw a man standing there. He asked, “Do you have a vagina?”

She slammed the door in disgust.

The next morning she heard another knock at the door. It was the same man and again asked the woman, “Do you have a vagina?”

And again she slammed the door on him.

When her husband came home that night, she told him what had happened for the past two days.

With love and concern the husband said, “Honey, I’ll stay home from work tomorrow just incase this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they heard a knock at the door. The husband whispered to his wife, “Honey, I’m going to listen from behind the door. I want you to answer yes to the question to see where he’s going with this.”

She gave her husband a nod and then opened the door.

Sure enough the same fellow was standing there asking, “Do you have a Vagina?”

“Yes I do.” said the lady.

The man replied, “Good! Tell your husband to use it and leave my wife’s alone!”

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Kenny went in to try out for the job. The sheriff knew that Kenny wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the box, but he humored himself by giving Kenny an interview.

“Okay, Kenny” the sheriff drawled. “What is 1 and 1?”

Without hesitating, Kenny replied, “If you put two ones together, it would be an 11.”

The sheriff was surprised by the unconventionally correct answer, so he then asked, “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Kenny supplied an answer that was correct in a way he hadn’t thought of.

“Now Kenny, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Kenny thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

Relieved the sheriff smiled, “Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Kenny wandered home where his wife was waiting to hear the results of the interview. Kenny was excited, “I think it went pretty good! It’s only my first day on the job, and they already got me working on a murder case!”

“If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?”

“One dollar.” answered little Johnny.

Shaking her head in disappointment the teacher said, “It would seem you don’t know your basic math.”

Little Johnny shook his head too, “It would seem you don’t know my daddy.”

Monica and her husband, Bob, had both gone on a diet together.

After the first two weeks, Monica suggested they should have a cheat day.

So the next night, Monica brought home a sack of burgers and a bucket of fried chicken.

Bob brought home his secretary.