Category Archives: Jokes

Little Abraham, a young Amish boy, was sitting on his bed reading the Bible.

Suddenly, his father stormed in, grabbed him and dragged him out into the pasture.

In the pasture was a sheep chewing grass. His father pointed to the sheep and said, “Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!”

Little Abraham kneeled and said, “Father forgive me, for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast.”

Saddened his father said, “Thou art forgiven my son. But know this. There will be REAL trouble if I taste it again.”

A deaf couple had gotten married. During the first week of marriage, they realized they couldn’t communicate in the bedroom with sign language after they turned out the lights.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decided to propose a solution.

“Honey,” she signed, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times.”

Bob and Tim were sitting at the bar. Bob lit up a cigarette.

“My wife gave me an ultimatum last night,” said Bob. “Either I quit smoking, or she won’t have sex with me anymore.”

“Ouch! That’s harsh,” said Tim. “How long do you think you can hold out?”

“Until my girlfriend dies and I get arthritis.”

Jim approached the Elections Office receptionist and said, “I want to register as a candidate for the upcoming election.”

She replied, “Certainly, sir. Just fill out this form.”

A few minutes later, he was back.

“Do I really need to answer this question: ‘Are you circumcised?’ Is that really necessary?”

The receptionist replied, “Yes. If you’re circumcised, you’re not eligible to run.”

“What possible difference would that make?” Jim protested.

“Well, as everybody knows,” informed the receptionist, “all politicians are complete pricks!”

Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

“Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don’t you try playing doctor for an hour? That’s what I do,” said Irving.

“Sounds great,” Morris replied, “but how do you make it last for an hour?” ”

“Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!”

A little girl was in line to see Santa.

When it was her turn, she climbed up on Santa’s lap.

Santa asked, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

The little girl replied, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”

Santa looked at the little girl for a moment and said, “I thought Barbie came with Ken.”

“No,” said the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”

After 25 years of marriage, Paul looked at his wife and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

Being a very reasonable woman, his wife told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

“You know it’s funny,” said Samantha. “Peter’s balls are always cold as ice when I’m sucking his dick.”

“You know what?” replied Jenny. “It’s exactly the same with my Richard.”

The two turned to Margie and asked, “When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?”

“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I would never put Chris’s thing in my mouth!”

“You’re crazy,” one of the women piped up. “A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it.”

Margie said she’d think about it. The next morning, they met at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.

“Whoa!” exclaimed Samantha. “How did you get that black eye?”

“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” said Margie.

“What on earth for?” asked Jenny.

“I don’t know,” said Margie. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete’s and Richard’s are so cold.”

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play stereo music in women’s breast implants.

The i-Tit, will cost between $499 and $699, depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Michael returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed.

His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a lit cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.

“All right,” Michael shouted, “I demand to know where this cigar came from!”

A muffled voice came from under the bed, “Havana.”