Category Archives: Jokes

After years of her children’s constant nagging, Granny finally went to the doctor’s office for a checkup.

The doctor was particularly impressed by the spryness of the old woman, and asked what kind of things she did to take care of her health.

Granny explained, “To improve my digestion I drink beer; for loss of appetite I drink white wine; for low blood pressure I drink red wine; and if I have a cold I drink whiskey.”

“Don’t you ever drink any water water?” asked the stunned physician.

“Heavens no!” exclaimed Granny. “I’ve never been that sick!”

Mark went to his usual pub and sat down at the bar.

The bartender asked, “What’ll it be?”

Mark sighed and said, “Just give me a glass of water.”

Stunned that one of his regulars didn’t order a pint, the bartender asked, “What’s eating you Mark? Why aren’t you drinking?”

With another heavy sigh, Mark said, “I don’t think I should drink anymore. I got so drunk yesterday that I blew chunks all night.”

The bartender gave an understanding nod and said, “Well, it’s not unusual to get sick after drinking a bit too much.”

“No, No”, replied Mark. “You don’t understand. Chunks is my dog!”

Bob heard a knock at the door and answered it. His next door neighbor, Jim, was standing there holding a notebook.

Jim asked, “Would you like to participate in an orgy tonight?”

Bob replied, “That depends. Who is going to be there?”

Jim responded. “Well, it’s you, me, and your wife.”

“I don’t think so!” Bob exclaimed.

“OK then,” said Jim. “We’ll take you off the list.”

Walking along the beach, a man found a bottle, and picked it up.

A magical genie popped out and said, “Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish.”

The man thought about it for a moment and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can’t because I’m afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sea sick. My wish is for you to build a highway from here to Hawaii.”

“I’m sorry,” said the genie, “but I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we would need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it’s such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that’s just too much to ask. Impossible. Think of another wish.”

The man took another moment to think about it and said, “There is one thing I’ve always wanted to know. I’d like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with… You know, what makes them tick?”

A blank gaze fell upon the Genie’s face for a moment then asked, “Do you want that highway with two lanes or four?”

A man got on a bus, and ended up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asked if he could have sex with her.

Naturally, she said no, and got off the bus.

The man went to the bus driver and asked him if he knew of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

“Well,” said the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”

The man decided to try it, and dressed up in his best God costume.

At eight, he saw the nun and appeared before her.

“Oh, God!” she exclaimed. “Take me with you!”

The man told the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty.

The nun agreed, but told him she prefers anal sex.

The next thing you know, they were getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex.

After it was over, the man pulled off his God disguise. “Ha, ha!” he said, “I’m the man from the bus!”

“Ha, ha!” said the nun, removing her costume, “I’m the bus driver!”

A ninety-year-old man stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink.

He noticed a svelte seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady in a cozy booth. Later that evening they went to her apartment where they got stinky and wrinkly.

A few days later, the old man noticed that he had developed a drip coming from his privates, and headed to the doctor.

After careful examination the doctor asked the patient if he had engaged in sexual activity recently, to which the old man proudly admitted he had.

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

“Sure, why?” asked the old man.

“Well you might want to get over there,” replied the doctor, “You’re about to come!”

A Jewish man was walking along the beach in Israel when he discovered a gold gem encrusted bottle.

He rubbed it, and a Jewish genie came out,”Oy! Thank heavens you let me out of there. For being so kind I will grant you one wish.”

The man thought for a moment and said, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my one wish.”

The genie looked concerned and said, “Look, I’m sorry, but that’s just not possible. Some things can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?”

The man thought about it again and said, “I wish my wife would give me a blow job!”

The genie nervously paused for another moment and said, “So… How exactly would you define peace?”

A little girl noticed that she had grown a bit of hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about the hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas.”

A man walked into a pub and saw a sign hanging over the bar which read:

“Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00.”

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walked up and beckoned the exceptionally attractive blonde behind the bar.

“Yes?” she enquired with a knowing smile, “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispered the man, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purred, “I am.”

The man replied, “Well, go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”

After wondering for centuries if mankind was alone in the universe, a race of aliens came to Earth. Surprisingly, they came in peace and spoke English fluently.

All of the heads of government and religious leaders wanted to speak to the aliens, so they set up a meeting with the new visitors.

When it was the pope’s turn, he asked, “Do you know about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“You mean J.C?”, responded one of the aliens. “Yeah we know Him. He’s the greatest isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok.”

Surprised, the pope followed up with “He visits every year?! It’s been over 2 millennia and we’re still waiting for His second coming!”

The alien saw that the pope had become irritated at this fact tried to offer a rational explanation, “Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”

The pope scoffed, “Chocolate? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”

The alien said, “Yeah, when He first visited our planet, we gave Him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?”