Category Archives: Jokes

John underwent a sex-change operation that transformed him into a beautiful women, and would now be known as Joan. After her recovery, Joan decided to meet with her old friend Pete for drinks at a bar.

“I’m completely amazed Joan,” said Pete. “You look great! You’re beautiful!”

Joan replied, “Thank you, but holy Christ, did it hurt.”

Pete cocked his head and remarked, “Oh, you mean when they cut open your chest and put in those implants?”

“No,” said Joan, “that didn’t really hurt.”

“When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?” asked Pete.

“No, that didn’t really hurt either,” said Joan.

“Then what was it that was so painful?” asked Pete.

Joan sighed, “When the doctor drilled a hole in my head and sucked out half of my brain.”

Two women where staggering home after a “girls night out” and felt the need to pee while passing a graveyard.

Of course they didn’t have any tissues with them so the first one wiped with her own panties and threw them away. The other woman spotted a ribbon on a wreath. She yanked it off and used it to wipe.

The next day their husbands were talking.

The first husband said, “I think we need to watch our wives when they go out for the night. My wife came home last night without her panties!”

“You think that’s bad?” said the other husband. “Mine had a card stuck to her ass that said ‘From all the guys at the fire station: We will miss you!'”

A wealthy billionaire was throwing a party for his 50th birthday.

During the party he announced that he had a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. “To the person who successfully swims across that pool, I will give them anything they desire.”

So the party continued with no takers on the challenge for about an hour. Suddenly there was a great splash, and all the guests ran to the pool to see if the challenger would survive.

The man was swimming as hard as he could. The fins came out of the water, the jaws were snapping, and the guy kept on going! The sharks were gaining on him, but the man reached the end and got out of the pool, out of breath and shaken.

The millionaire embraced the guy and said, “I am a man of my word, I will give you anything you desire! Ferraris, houses, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen! So sir what will it be?” the billionaire asked.

The guy trying to catch his breath said, ‘Why don’t we start with the name of the bastard who pushed me in!’

An out of work mime went to the zoo in an attempt to earn money performing his street act. As soon as he started drawing a crowd, the zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zoo keeper explained to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, had died suddenly and the keeper feared that attendance at the zoo would fall off. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get another one, and the mime accepted the offer.

The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. He suddenly realized what a great job it was. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people. He was even drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

Eventually the crowds grew tired of him. He noticed that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper came and gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. So day after day the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary kept going up.

Then one day he was dangling over the lion and slipped. He fell to the ground and was terrified. The lion prepared to pounce, so the mime started to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

The mime was so scared he started screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”

The lion quickly pounced onto the mime. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

Just then the lion spoke, “Shut up you idiot, or you’ll get us both fired!”

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when one turns to the other and asks, “Are we poisonous?”

“Why yes we are,” says the second.

Again the first snake asks, “Are you sure we’re poisonous?”

“Yes, we are very poisonous.”

Again the snake asked, “Are we really, really poisonous?”

“Yes, we are really really poisonous. In fact we’re the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?”

“I just bit my lip!”

After finding a leak in the bathroom, the lawyer’s secretary called the plumber, who fixed it in a matter of minutes.

The bill, however, was substantial. So substantial that the lawyer called to complain. “You weren’t here for more than ten minutes,” he said, “and I don’t charge that much for an hour.”

“I know,” retorted the plumber sympathetically, “and I didn’t either, when I was a lawyer.”

At the hospital a man who had just had surgery was coming out from being under anesthesia while his wife sat at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful,” to his wife.

She was flattered, and continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, “You look pretty cute,” to his wife.

“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” she asked.

“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents about a week before Christmas.

As they prepared for sleep, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs: “DEAR GOD, I’M PRAYING FOR A NEW BICYCLE! I’M PRAYING FOR A NEW NINTENDO! I’M PRAYING FOR A NEW BASEBALL GLOVE!”

The older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother, “Why are you shouting your prayers like that? God isn’t deaf.”

To which his little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

Hurrying to finish her Christmas shopping, a young woman slipped on the wet pavement and fell to the ground.

A passing vicar helped her to her feet and said, “You know, this is the first time I’ve ever picked up a fallen woman!”

To which the woman replied, “And sir, this is the first time I have been picked up by a man of the cloth.”

“This is the worst job I ever had,” said Jeff to his friend Steve.

“How long have you been there?” asked Steve.

Jeff thought for a minute and said, “About three months.”

“Well, why don’t you quit?” asked Steve.

“No way,” said, Jeff. “This is the first time in 20 years that I’ve looked forward to going home after work.”