Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing Southern women.
“I think Southern women are the prettiest,” one of them said.
“I think Southern women are the toughest,” said another.
The third said, “I think they’re the most polite of all women. That’s why they don’t like group sex.”
His friends looked at him, confused. “They don’t like group sex?”
“Nope, too many thank-you notes to write.”
The local vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little bored, so he decides to, ‘pleasure’ himself. He’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen.
A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings – it’s the window cleaner..
The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.
“50 quid” comes the reply.
“50 quid?!?” says the vicar, startled.
“Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv.”
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. The following week, the bishop’s round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home.
He says to the vicar, “Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?”
“Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job,” replies the vicar.
“Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?”
“Well,” replies the vicar, “fifty quid, actually”
“Fifty quid? Blimey!” says the bishop. “He must have seen you coming.”
Stan was a little nervous and embarrassed about his up-coming colonoscopy, so on a recommendation, he decided to have it done while visiting a few of his friends on the west coast, where the beautiful nurses at one clinic were allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As he laid naked on the table, the gorgeous nurse began to prep Stanly for the procedure.
“Don’t worry, at this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection,” the nurse assured Stan.
“I don’t have an erection,” he replied.
“Maybe not,” the nurse gently cooed, “but I sure do.”
Three Italian nuns died and went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they were met by St. Peter.
He said, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be reincarnated as anyone you wish to be.”
The first nun said, “I want to be Sophia Loren..”
And, poof, she was gone.
The second said, “I want to be Madonna.”
And, poof, she was gone.
The third said, “I want to be Alberta Pipalini..”
St. Peter looked perplexed. “Who?”, he asked.
“Alberta Pipalini,” replied the nun.
St. Peter shook his head and said, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then took a newspaper out of her habit and handed it to St. Peter.
St. Peter read the paper and started laughing. He handed it back to her and said, “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Alberta Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
Jennifer looked in the mirror and sighed to her boyfriend, “Greg, I think I’m ready to see a plastic surgeon.”
“Whatever for, dear?” replied Greg.
“It’s these darned love handles,” said Jennifer. “No matter what I try, I just can’t get rid of them. I’m going to get an operation to have them removed.”
“Oh honey, I know it’s bothering you,” said Greg, “but I like your ears!”
1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.
2. Nothing is free.
3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.
4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.
5. It’s perfectly alright to look bored while you do nothing.
6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won’t get sued for it.
7. Keep those hard-earned pounds — do nothing!
8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.
9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.
10. Chances are, you won’t feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.
11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won’t lead to any embarrassing situations later on.
12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.
13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.
14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.
15. PMS won’t keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).
16. Being “in the mood” to do nothing is no big effort.
17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.
18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.
19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.
20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.
Rory was talking to Frank about his new girlfriend and said, “The best thing about Susan is that she likes to bring her twin into the bedroom when we have sex.”
“Wow!” exclaimed Frank. “That sounds amazing, but how do you tell the two of them apart?”
“That’s easy,” said Rory. “Her brother has a moustache.”
Late one night, a man heard his wife scream from the bedroom. He jumped up and ran to see what was the matter. As he burst through the door, he saw another man leaping out of the window.
His wife yelled, “That guy just raped me twice!”
“Twice?!” He asked in disbelief. “Why didn’t you scream when he started to rape you the first time?”
The woman cried, “Because until he started the second time, I thought it was you!”
A priest was getting new tires installed on his car. As the car was coming down the lift the priest asked the mechanic if the lug nuts were tight enough.
“No need to worry, Father,” said the mechanic. “They are as tight as a nun’s snatch!”
The priest frowned and said, “You better give’em another turn then.”
