Category Archives: Jokes

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, Marge tried her luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To her delight, she found just what she was looking for.

While waiting in the line to pay, Marge noticed a young woman in line behind her holding the same nightgown. Marge smiled with a sense of self-confidence. It confirmed her belief that despite being over 50, her taste in clothing was still very hip.

“I see we have the same sense of style,” Marge said proudly to the 20 something behind her.

“I know! Isn’t it adorable?” the young woman replied. “It’s the perfect birthday gift for my 70 year old grandmother.”

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before a judge in a small town court room.

The attorney for the railroad cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success. “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there,” said the lawyer. “I couldn’t have won the case. One engineer was asleep and the other was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

Louis was seated next to a rather staunch minister on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

“I’ll have a whiskey and soda,” requested Louis, and it was promptly brought forth and placed before him.

Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the man’s drink with scorn. He viewed alcohol as being the drink of the devil. Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

Just as he was about to take a sip, Louis handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

A doctor bumped into one of his patients in the checkout line at the grocery store. In his usual friendly manner, he said, “Hi! How are you?”

The woman gave the doctor a withering stare and said, “How am I? I’ll tell you how I am! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast, and I can’t sleep! On top of that I have horrible headaches, constipation, and stomach pains too!”

The doctor looked at the lady with compassion, “If you’re feeling so awful, why don’t you make an appointment to come see me?”

The woman let out a sigh and said, “I was just waiting until I felt a little better.”

After a gentle rub, the genie came out of the lamp and asked, “What’s your first wish, my master?”

With only one thing on his mind, the man with the lamp answered, “I wish I was rich!”

The genie smiled and said, “Your wish is granted! What is your second wish, Rich?”

Bob walked into a piano store and told the salesman, “I would like to buy a hairy piano.”

Perplexed, the salesman asked, “Why do you want a hairy piano?!”

Nonchalantly, Bob responded, “Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins.”

After an amicable divorce, Joe decided to start dating again. Not really sure of how to start, he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, he circled three prospects that seemed like possible matches in terms of age and interests before heading off to work.

A few hours later, he received a phone call from his ex-wife. “Joe, sorry to call you at your job, but I came over to your house to borrow some tools and saw the ads you circled in the paper.”

“Listen, Julie, the divorce was your idea,” scolded Joe. “You can’t expect me to just sit at home alone by myself for the rest of my life. I’m moving on, and I suggest you do the same!”

“Oh no, I think it’s great that you’re moving on,” explained his ex. “I just wanted to tell you not to call the one in the second column because it’s me.”

As the new truck driver, Sam had to make a delivery to Death Valley in California. When he returned from the trip he informed his boss that if he ever got assigned to go out there again, he would quit.

The boss was not very sympathetic, and mentioned that his Death Valley account was one of his most profitable.

“Now see here,” said Sam in protest. “When I arrived it was 128 degrees Fahrenheit. After just a few minutes I was so miserable I was afraid I was going to die.”

“Well, it doesn’t look as though you succumbed to the heat,” chided the boss.

“That was the other problem,” complained Sam. “After the two hours it took them to unload the truck, the heat made me so miserable I was afraid I wasn’t going to die.”

During a terrible storm, most of the highway signs became covered with snow. After conducting an extensive study, the state decided to raise all the affected signs an additional 36 inches at a cost of six million dollars.

A TV news channel decided to interview some of their local residents to gage the public sentiment.

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.”

“Why is that?” asked the reporter.

“Because knowing the federal government, they woulda decided to lower the highways!”

In Mrs. Winslow’s third grade class, the teacher was going around the room asking the children about what they might want to become when they get older.

There were the usual choices, doctor, fireman, nurse, and so on. But then she got to Jason.

“When I grow up, I want to draw comics!” said little Jason.

The teacher furrowed her brow and said, “That sounds like fun, but you can’t have it both ways.”