Category Archives: Jokes

Dear Son,

I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen ’em since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your brother locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning. We’re not sure if it’s a boy or a girl yet, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle.

Your Uncle fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Your cousins went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. The one driving rolled down the window and swam to safety, but the other two were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

It was 3:00 am and the desk clerk at a hotel received a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opened.

“It opens at noon, Sir” answered the clerk.

About an hour later got another call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
“What time does your bar open?” he asked.

“Same time as before, Sir. Noon,” replied the clerk.

Another hour passed and the man called the front desk again. This time he was really plastered, “Whenjoo shay the bar opens?”

Slightly annoyed, the clerk responded, “Sir, the bar opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“No! I don’t wanna git in!” pleaded the drunk. “Ah’m tryin’ to git out!”

Cindy Lou decided to take shop class, and was excited about her first day.

The woodshop teacher noticed she was the only girl in the class, and doubted she was suited for the subject. “Tell me Miss Lou,” inquired the instructor, “What is the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?”

Cindy Lou blushed with a charming smile and said, “Well, I can’t rightly tell you, since I ain’t never been bolted before.”

A helicopter carrying passengers across lake Michigan suddenly lost engine power. The aircraft came down safely in the water, and the pilot instructed the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed.

“In emergency situations, this aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to us,” the pilot informed his passengers.

Just then a portly middle aged man got out if his seat and made and attempt to open the door.

The pilots screamed at him, “Stop! Didn’t you hear what I said? The aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed!”

“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!”

A blonde was driving along a lonely country road with fields on either side. As she looked out her side window, she saw another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and rowing.

She stopped the car, rolled down the window, and yelled, “You know it’s blondes like you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!”

“Oh yeah?” the other blonde yelled back. “So whaddya gonna do about it?”

Enraged by this impudence the first blonde screamed, “You’re lucky I can’t swim, or I’d come out there and punch your lights out!”

The phone rang. Angie saw that it was her husband. Todd, and answered the call.

“Sweetheart, I had a really bad accident as I was leaving work,” explained Todd. “Sandra took me to the hospital. After the doctors examined my X-rays, they said it was much worse than they initially thought. I have a cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries, also, they will have to amputate my right leg.”

Angie took a couple deep breaths to compose herself before she could speak. “Todd,” she said in a concerned tone, “Who the hell is Sandra?”

Margret called her physician’s office to schedule an appointment. The nurse taking the call asked about the nature of the visit.

“I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes,” explained Margret.

“Oh, I see,” replied the Nurse. “Have you already seen the doctor?”

“No,” lamented Margret. “Just spots.”

Wendy got in line at her local supermarket. Her basket contained a mop, a broom, and several other cleaning supplies. It was obvious she was in a hurry, and it just so happened the line was moving rather slowly.

When the cashier called the manager over for assistance with a customer’s payment issue, Wendy remarked indignantly, “At this rate, I’ll be lucky to get home before dark!”

“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the man standing in line ahead of her. “With the wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom of yours, you should be home in no time.”

Under the romantic light of the moon, Pedro requested, “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”

“Not now, Pedro.” sighed Rosita. “Let’s just sit here and look at the moon!”

“Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu,” begged Pedro. “I love you and it’s the perfect time.”

“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon,” pleaded Rosita.

“Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”

Rosita looked at Pedro and acquiesced, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang:

“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!”

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

FEMALE ANSWER: The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the first place, because everyone knows there is no such thing as Santa Claus or the perfect man.

MALE ANSWER: So, if there is no perfect man or Santa, the perfect woman must have been driving, which explains why there was a car accident in the first place.