A guy was sipping his drink at the bar when he spotted a gorgeous blonde who sat down at a table with her friends.
They made eye contact, and after a few moments the man motioned her to come over using his index finger.
She walked over to where he was sitting and remarked, “With all the other men in this bar, why should I bother with you?”
“If I could make you ‘come’ with one finger,” he explained, “Imagine what I could do with a whole hand.”
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny killed a honeybee.
His father saw him killing the honeybee and angrily said, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad caught him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” said his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, a cockroach ran across the kitchen floor. She jumped and stomped on it in front of Little Johnny and her husband.
Little Johnny looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her, or do you want me to?”
A young virgin couple had wed. They were both nervous about the consummation, but neither was willing to discuss it with each other.
For direction, the young man called his father, “Pop, what do I do first?”
“Get naked and climb into bed,” his father replied.
The young man did so, and the girl was mortified. She called her mother.
“Get naked and join him,” was the mother’s advice.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man called his dad again, “Now what do I do?”
The father explained, “Look at her naked body. Then take the hardest part of your body and stick it in where she pees!”
A few moments later, the girl called her mother, “What do I do now?”
The mother replied by asking, “Well, what is he doing?”
“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”
It was obvious Lou needed a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
When he went to get fitted, he told the hearing specialist, “Let me see the cheapest model you’ve got!”
The specialist put a large heavy device around Lou’s neck. “This is our $2.00 model. You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructed.
“How does it work?” asked Lou.
“For $2.00, it doesn’t actually work at all,” the specialist replied. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”
While driving their respective cars, a blonde and a midget had a collision that resulted in considerable damage to the cars, but thankfully no one was injured.
The midget got out of his car and inspected the wreck before walking up the the blonde. “I’M NOT HAPPY!” he bellowed in disgust.
The blonde looked down at the little man and replied, “So which one are you?”
Martin needed to cut down several trees on his property. He went to a chainsaw shop and asked about various chainsaws.
The dealer told him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but save yourself the time and aggravation and get our top-of-the-line chainsaw. It can cut a hundred cords of wood a day.”
So Martin took the chainsaw home and began working on the trees. After cutting for several hours, he decided to quit, having only cut two cords of wood. The next morning he got up at 4 AM and cut until nightfall, but only managed to cut five cords.
Convinced it was a bad saw, Martin went back to the dealer who sold it to him.
The dealer removed the chainsaw from its case and examined the unit. “It looks fine,” he remarked, and then proceeded to start the chainsaw.
Martin clapped his hands over his ears and shouted, “What the hell is that noise?”
An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.
The old lady made her first wish, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.”
POOF! A huge pile of money appeared next to her on the porch!
She smiled and said, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being young and beautiful again.”
POOF! She turned into a beautiful young woman.
“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them.
“Can you change my cat into a handsome young man?” she asked.
POOF! Before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone she could possibly imagine.
As her fairy godmother flew away, the handsome young man sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear, “Now I bet you’re really sorry you had me neutered!”
Two marijuana plants walked into a bar and sat next to a couple of Viagra pills. As the marijuana plants mulled over their drinks, they lamented the fact that in most places they were still considered illegal.
The Viagra pills overheard the conversation and scoffed. They remarked how they felt marijuana should be illegal everywhere.
The Marijuana plants tried to explain their case to the Viagra pills, but to no avail.
Finally the bartender came over and explained to the marijuana plants, “It’s no use trying to convince them, They’re hard on drugs.”
Jerry walked in on Dave having sex at work!
As Dave zipped up his trousers, Jerry asked, “What the hell were you thinking having sex with her?”
Dave replied, “Well she was just lying there naked, looking sexy and all. What was I supposed to do?”
“For one,” explained Jerry, “you were supposed to be doing an autopsy on her!”
Dave indignantly shot back with “Listen, Jerry, I don’t tell you how to do your job, so don’t tell me how to do mine!”
Jerry just shook his head in disbelief, “Dave, you’ve got to be the worst veterinarian ever.”
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
Having had had a good week, the agent experienced a rare feeling of generosity towards the dejected looking couple outside his window.
He called them into his shop and explained, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
The travel agent then had his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The two gladly accepted the opportunity, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” the agent asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”
