Category Archives: Jokes

A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James,” she pleaded, “I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face at least once.”

James quickly replied, “My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”

“Oh, please?” Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.

“Oh really, I can’t,” he replied. “She loves it… I just can’t!”

But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake, bolted upright in the bed and shouted, “Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are YOU doing here? My husband will be home any minute!”

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

“Hey kid!” the farmer shouts. “Where ya goin’ with that wire?”

“Well,” the kid drawls, “this ain’t just any ol’ wire, this-here’s chicken wire — I’m fixin’ to catch me some CHICKENS!”

“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”

“Sure I can!” the kid exclaims, and takes off down the road.

At the end of the day, sure enough, he’s got a whole mess o’ chickens caught in his chicken wire!

Our Farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, finishing breakfast, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

“Hey kid!” the farmer yells. “Where ya goin’ with that tape?”

“Well, this-here ain’t just any ol’ tape, this here’s duck tape — I’m fixin’ to catch me some DUCKS!”

“You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” the farmer yells.

“Sure I can!” the kid replies, and takes off down the road.

He returns at twilight, and again, the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks — all wrapped up tightly in tape!

The following day the farmer’s sitting on his front porch again, and the same kid comes walking down the road, carrying a stick.

“Hey kid!” the farmer mocks. “Where ya goin’ with that stick?”

“Well, this-here ain’t just any old stick, this here’s a pussy willow.”

“Hang on,” the farmer says, “’til I go fetch my hat!”

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You’ve both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You’re absolutely satisfied, yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly, “Did you win, Dad?”

I have explained to him time and time again that you’re really just playing against yourself.

We were on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.

From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled, “Hey Dad! Did you have fun playing with yourself?”

We checked out that night.

Bill told his wife, “I’ve got a problem…”

She stopped him right there. “No, dear, WE have a problem. We’re in this together. We married for better or for worse, therefore, your problem is our problem.”

Bill sighed in relief. “Well, now it’s hardly worth mentioning.”

But his wife was insistent, “Go ahead, Bill. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Bill answered, “Somehow, we got your sister pregnant!”

Pat O’Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site.

When payday rolled around on Friday, Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute.

The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all.

When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty ‘Our Fathers’, twenty ‘Hail Marys’, and twenty ‘Decades of the Rosary’, and to put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat’s mate, Rory O’Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly.

After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat’s wages were more than double anything he’d made before.

Off he goes for a night on the town, gets drunk as a lord, and spends the night with a prostitute.

Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession.

After hearing Pat’s confession, the priest tells him to say a couple of ‘Our Father’s’ and drop a dollar in the poor box.

“But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty ‘Our fathers’, twenty ‘Hail Marys’, twenty ‘Decades of the Rosary’, and I had to fork over $20 into the poor box.”

“Ah, sure,” the priest responded, “But, what do they know aboout drinkin’ and fuckin’ in Philadelphia.”

A farmer walked into a tavern and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

“What’s up, John?” asked the farmer.

“Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what. If I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.”

“Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob.

“How do you figure?” asked John.

“Well, John – you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter.”

“Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.”

“Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope.”

“So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.”

“Well wouldn’t you just know it, my darn pants fell down.”

“And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you today!”

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “oneslice”? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” When, it isn’t all right .

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.

A little boy with diarrhea unexpectedly said, “Mommy can I have some Viagra?”

“Why on Earth do you need that?” replied the startled mother.

The little boy explained, “Isn’t that what you give Daddy when his shit doesn’t get hard?”

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.

The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales, I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales this week gets a blowjob.”

“What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and replied, “The loser gets to give it.”