Author Archives: f2x

Little Bruce and Jenny were only 10 years old, but they knew they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Bruce went to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walked up to him and said, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well Bruce, you are only ten. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replied, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replied, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith was impressed by how much thought Bruce had put into this. “Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

And now Mr. Smith no longer thinks little Bruce is so cute.

Three little rabbits escaped from a testing lab and found an entire field full of carrots. They ate themselves into a stupor and slept through the night.

The next morning, they found an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.

They had sex throughout the entire day and slept throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits got to talking.

“I’m gonna go back to that field of carrots,” said the first one.

“I’m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits,” said the second.

“I’m going back to the lab,” said the third. “I’m dying for a cigarette.”

At the supermarket, Dorothy nervously looked over the oranges with a worried concern.

Noticing her distress, the store manager approached her and asked if everything was alright.

“Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband,” said Dorothy. “Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkiller?”

“No madam,” remarked the manager, “You’ll have to get that from our ‘Home and Garden’ department.”

At the State Fair a young fellow was watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read: “$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00!”

Just then, a cowboy approached the Indian and asked, “Is the sign right?”

The Indian said, “yes.”

The cowboy handed him a fiver and said, “you’re on!”

The Indian looked the cowboy up and down, he noticed some cow dung on the cowboy’s boots and flatly stated, “you’re from Wyoming.”

The cowboy shook his head and said, “I’ll be darned! You’re right!” and strolled away.

A second cowboy approached the Indian and went through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stood and watched as the Indian looked him up and down before noticing a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian said, “you’re from Montana!”

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walked away.

The young man decided he’s going to give the Indian a run for his money. He went into the men’s room, took off his boots, scrubbed them up, dried them off, and put on a coat of polish. The he went ouside and approached the Indian. He handed the Indian a five-dollar bill and said, “do your stuff!”

The Indian looked and looked, and appeared to be befuddled. The young man was now certain he had gotten one up on the Indian.

The Indian finally said, “You’re from New Zealand!”

The young man was astonished and asked, “How in the world did you know that I’m from New Zealand?”

The Indian replied, “By the wool on your zipper.”

An 80-year old rancher named Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride.

Being a good friend, the town sheriff asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The sheriff then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”

Now the sheriff, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the sheriff tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the sheriff ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” asked the sheriff.

Tom proudly said, “Oh, she’s pregnant.”

The sheriff, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”

A man, a sheep, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As the days went by, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man until one evening, when he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got extremely jealous, and growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was to be no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

Trying to console her, the man introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…. “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

A photographer from a news organization was assigned to cover the fires in California.

His boss wanted pictures of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze but when the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was too thick. It would be impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.

He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. The photographer was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

John died and was being given a tour of Heaven. St. Peter explained that Heaven not only had room enough for everybody, but that there were rooms for everybody as well.

He opened the first door, explaining, “This is the Catholic room,” and inside John could see a large group of people kneeling and saying Hail Mary.

The next room was a noisy one with shouts of “Amen!” and “Hallelujah!” could be heard through the door. “The Baptist room,” explained Peter.

The third room was silent, filled with contemplative souls. “Presbyterians,” Peter said.

When they came to the fourth room, Peter stopped John. “Shhh!” he said. “Be very quiet. These are the Lutherans, and they don’t think anybody else is here.”