At the supermarket, Dorothy nervously looked over the oranges with a worried concern.
Noticing her distress, the store manager approached her and asked if everything was alright.
“Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband,” said Dorothy. “Have these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkiller?”
“No madam,” remarked the manager, “You’ll have to get that from our ‘Home and Garden’ department.”
We’ve Been Getting Less Prurient
and that’s on purpose!
I just wanted to give the regular viewers and contributors a heads up. While most of the jokes published here will still contain “mature” or “offensive” themes, there have been and will continue to be fewer jokes of a sexual nature. This is not because I don’t like sexual humor, nor am I being pressured by feminists. The simple fact is, the sexual jokes are getting boring.
While you could write volumes of jokes about infidelity, impotence, and incest, eventually they all just start to blur together. That’s why I’ve been really trying to tone it down. About once per week is OK, but there for a while I was posting nothing but sexual jokes five days a week.
It’s important to note why I was posting so many jokes regarding sex in the first place: Those are the jokes you (my contributors) have been sending me! At risk of alienating some (or even all) of you, I’m going to stop using most of them. I know that’s a risky move for a site called “Flush Twice”. Believe it or not, I only called it that because there were so many jokes being sent to me that you’d have to “flush twice” to get them all to go down, and not because we’d specialize in toilet humor.
So in this open letter, I’m asking you nicely to please send jokes other than the sexual ones. Religious, political, and racist jokes are also offensively funny ways to make us all laugh, and I’d really like it if you’d start sending a few “clean” jokes once in a while. They don’t have to be that clean, but make it something you could at least tell the boss’s boss without risking your promotion.
Pax,
-f2x
At the State Fair a young fellow was watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read: “$5.00 – If I can’t tell you where you’re from, I’ll pay you $50.00!”
Just then, a cowboy approached the Indian and asked, “Is the sign right?”
The Indian said, “yes.”
The cowboy handed him a fiver and said, “you’re on!”
The Indian looked the cowboy up and down, he noticed some cow dung on the cowboy’s boots and flatly stated, “you’re from Wyoming.”
The cowboy shook his head and said, “I’ll be darned! You’re right!” and strolled away.
A second cowboy approached the Indian and went through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stood and watched as the Indian looked him up and down before noticing a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian said, “you’re from Montana!”
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walked away.
The young man decided he’s going to give the Indian a run for his money. He went into the men’s room, took off his boots, scrubbed them up, dried them off, and put on a coat of polish. The he went ouside and approached the Indian. He handed the Indian a five-dollar bill and said, “do your stuff!”
The Indian looked and looked, and appeared to be befuddled. The young man was now certain he had gotten one up on the Indian.
The Indian finally said, “You’re from New Zealand!”
The young man was astonished and asked, “How in the world did you know that I’m from New Zealand?”
The Indian replied, “By the wool on your zipper.”
An 80-year old rancher named Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride.
Being a good friend, the town sheriff asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was.
The sheriff then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”
Now the sheriff, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the sheriff tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the sheriff ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” asked the sheriff.
Tom proudly said, “Oh, she’s pregnant.”
The sheriff, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”
Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”
A man, a sheep, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As the days went by, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man until one evening, when he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got extremely jealous, and growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was to be no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
Trying to console her, the man introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…. “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
A photographer from a news organization was assigned to cover the fires in California.
His boss wanted pictures of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze but when the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was too thick. It would be impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. The photographer was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
John died and was being given a tour of Heaven. St. Peter explained that Heaven not only had room enough for everybody, but that there were rooms for everybody as well.
He opened the first door, explaining, “This is the Catholic room,” and inside John could see a large group of people kneeling and saying Hail Mary.
The next room was a noisy one with shouts of “Amen!” and “Hallelujah!” could be heard through the door. “The Baptist room,” explained Peter.
The third room was silent, filled with contemplative souls. “Presbyterians,” Peter said.
When they came to the fourth room, Peter stopped John. “Shhh!” he said. “Be very quiet. These are the Lutherans, and they don’t think anybody else is here.”
Almond Milk
No matter what you do, some people will never be happy.
For a few years now, my dad (who leans further to the right than Pinochet) has been using store bought almond milk. His reasoning was that he could buy it in bulk at Costco, and it stayed fresh much longer. I get that. Neither one of us are big milk drinkers but, when you need milk, you need it. After a couple weeks in the fridge, regular cow’s milk will wrinkle your nose, but an unopened carton of almond milk will taste just fine. Even if the flavor tends to be a little “woody”, almond milk makes good smoothies and works in most cooking and baking recipes.
Of course neither my dad nor I are lactose intolerant. We are neither environmental hipsters, nor do we give a rats ass about being politically correct, but pragmatism is a conservative quality that we highly prize. Money doesn’t grow on trees, so when you find a better deal, go with it.
And here I was thinking it’s one less thing that some neerdowell would attack me for, but I was wrong. Apparently “almond milk” is terrible for the environment. It’s also nutritionally deficient, contains chemical additives, and probably makes the baby jebus cry. Seriously?! WTF!
Of course if you take even a moment to fact check, you’ll see that none of the criticisms are really worth the time it took to fact check. Almond milk naturally contains less nutrition than cows milk, but so what? It still contains more nutrition than water. So now many brands contain chemical additives because people wanted more nutrition and flavor. It’s not like we don’t already fortify a shit-ton of foods anyway, but god forbid we put anything extra in a packaged product. Bad for the environment?! Now they’re bitching because the trees are bad because the farmers have to water them! So wake up sheeple! Trees are bad for the environment now!
Oh, and let’s not forget about those poor bees they bring in to pollinate the trees. They eventually die because the area contains pesticides. While that’s true, the fact is they buy the bees from bee keepers in other parts of the country who grow bee colonies specifically for exporting. Basically, it’s not actually contributing to the issue of “colony collapse” that plagues honeybees around the world, but trying to explain why bee farming is a good thing to these morons is a waste of time and energy.
So is almond milk really that good? Meh… It’s nice if you need milk occasionally, but fresh cows milk does taste a little better IMHO. Is it bad for the environment? Compared to what? Let’s face it, human existence and everything connected to it is bad for the environment. If you’re so concerned about it, go kill yourself! I hear suicide is making a comeback these days. But almonds and almond milk aren’t any worse for the environment than your typical overzealous vegan.
Next thing you know they’ll be protesting vegeburgers. Oh wait… they already are.
{smh} Stupid fucks.
Pax,
-f2x
