Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop when suddenly the town’s fire alarm went off.
One of the men jumped up and ran for the door. His friend shouted, “I didn’t know you were a fireman!”
His buddy replied, “I’m not, but my girlfriend’s husband is!”
The circus was in town, and the owner walked into a local bar to promote the show and mingle with the townsfolk. He was surprised to find everyone crowded about a table watching a little show of their own.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some haggling, they settled on $5000 for the duck and the pot.
The next day the circus owner came back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before the whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“Look, a deal’s a deal, so it’s not my problem anymore,” came the retort of the duck’s former owner, “but did you even bother to light the candle under the pot?”
For their 25th wedding anniversary, the Thompsons took a vacation on a Alaskan cruise ship. Back home, the housekeeper was doing her usual chores when the telephone rang.
“May I speak with Mr. Thompson, please?” requested the caller.
“I’m sorry, but Mr. Thompson is out of town to celebrate his anniversary,” explained the housekeeper.
“Oh, I see,” said the caller. “Then may I speak with Mrs. Thompson?”
The Past, Present, and Future
Many philosophies try to steer you into being mindful of the present, not to live in the past, or worry about the future. While it’s generally OK to honor the past and plan for the future, you’re supposed to spend only a necessary amount of time to the task… then stop thinking about it, and get back to work.
But it’s never that easy. The past, present, and future are deeply intertwined, and these days the past can haunt. I can only imagine how a future #metoo campaign will attack me over my role in curating a daily joke website that brazenly featured taboo jokes. Fortunately, this ain’t Twitter. No one reads this or even knows who I am, so for now I think I’m pretty safe.
The present is constantly dropping hints that you need to make future plans. That strange hum in your car’s engine is telling you that you will be spending a lot of money soon. The aunt who’s health just took a turn for the worse, is notice that you’re gonna need to have your suit cleaned and pressed for when you’re asked to serve as a pallbearer. Come to think of it, every close person older than you is a funeral you’ll likely be attending.
And what of this thing called future? It’s the one thing that people worry about more than anything else. It’s the only thing we can have any hope of changing but seldom do. It’s going to get here whether you worry about it or not, but if you don’t give it proper consideration, it’s likely to deliver you the “unpleasant” version of itself.
Ultimately it’s up to you to decide how and where to focus your mind. I tend to look at it like driving down a busy road with lots of intersections and stop and go traffic. If you don’t keep moving, everyone will leave you behind. It is dangerous to focus only on the road right in front of you. Keep a broad outlook of what lies ahead and be mindful of your environment. It also helps to know where you’re going, but be prepared to take a few detours.
I admit that it’s not a perfect philosophy, but it’s a starting point for you to find your own path.
Pax,
-f2x
A domestic disturbance was in progress. There was yelling, banging and crashing, and blood curdling screams so loud that it woke the neighbors across the street.
One of the neighbors was standing out on her front lawn with her cell phone. The man next door to her approached and said, “I just got ahold of the cops. They’re on their way now.”
Looking down the street she could see the lights on the police cruisers coming towards them. The woman looked at her phone and tapped the button to end her call.
“I’ve been on hold with 9-1-1 for the past 10 minutes,” remarked the woman “How the hell did you get ahold of the police so fast?”
“Easy,” said the man. “I called Dunkin’ Donuts.”
It was a high profile criminal trial in a small town. Jeb Junior was brutally killed in his own barn. The man accused of killing him was on trial for the murder, and the prosecutor finally got him up on the witness stand.
“Did you kill Jeb Junior on the night of April 23rd?” asked the prosecutor point blank.
“No, I did not,” replied the defendant with his eyes looking down.
Suspecting that the witness was lying, the prosecutor asked, “Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?”
“Yes, I do,” said the defendant. “And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalties for murder.”
The highway patrol pulled alongside a car speeding down the freeway.
Glancing over at it, the officer was astounded to see that the woman at the wheel was actually knitting!
The cop cranked down his window and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO,” the woman yelled back, “IT’S A PAIR OF SOCKS!”
David went on a field trip with his class to a working farm. When he got home his mother asked him if he had a good time.
“Boy did I!” exclaimed David. “It was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, chickens, and fuckers!”
David’s mother was a bit startled by that last one, but judging by David’s obliviousness, she decided to remain calm and ask him about it. “I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?”
“Oh, they’re the animals that give us milk,” said David matter of factly.
“But who said they were called fuckers?”
“Our teacher,” explained David. “Well actually she called them ‘effers’, but we all knew what she meant.”
A weasel walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender is astonished.
“In all my years of tending this bar, this is the first time I’ve ever seen a weasel come in here,” the bartender says. “So, what’ll you have?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
