A Rotary visitor to Japan was giving a presentation. He opened up his speech by telling a joke that took him about two minutes to tell.
In under ten seconds and with very few words, the interpreter spoke to the audience and everyone erupted with laughter.
After the presentation, the visitor asked the interpreter how he translated such a long joke so quickly.
“The Japanese have a different sense of humor. They would not have understood the joke, so I told them, ‘Our guest has just told a joke. Everyone please laugh.'”
Have you ever watched an infomercial and thought, “Wow, that looks pretty cool!”
You didn’t buy it though did you? Of course not. Why? Because you’re not stupid.
Most people learn from an early age that long format TV ads are peddling hype. Though not always, the product itself is usually of inferior quality. Once you get it, you quickly find that it’s not quite as amazing as the commercial made it seem. So when you hear that “Announcer Voice” telling you to “act now!” you disengage any primitive thoughts to call that toll free number. Good for you.
To be honest, I don’t watch a lot of TV these days. Mostly I watch whatever comes up on mBlip. But still, I catch the occasional broadcast channel, and when the commercials come on, I immediately and instinctively know the audience they’re targeting. When I start to see ads for ambulance chasers, term life insurance, Medicare supplements, and “As Seen on TV” gimmickry, then I know that the primary audience they expect to find watching that channel at that moment is feeble minded fools.
Of course I was watching that old “Gun Smoke” episode to feel retro nostalgic, but I suspect that many people watching it would find it plausible that the government faked the moon landings to cover up the alien invaders who kidnapped Elvis in order to make the baby Jebus cry. How that much cognitive dissonance doesn’t result in a cranial paroxysm is beyond me.
My point is, if your non-ironic regular TV viewing habits frequently subject you to this kind of advertising, perhaps you shouldn’t be voting in the next election.
A young blonde was lying on her therapist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was with finding a job that would suit her.
“I tried to be an actress but couldn’t get cast,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary but couldn’t stand the environment. I tried being a writer and got nowhere with the publishers. I tried being a sales clerk and that didn’t work out either.”
The therapist thought for a moment and said, “For optimal mental health, it’s very important that you find a fulfilling occupation that’s right for you. Have you tried nursing?”
The blonde thought about it for a moment then stood up and took off her blouse. She pointed her bare and ample bosom toward the therapist and said, “Well go ahead. At this point I’ll give anything a try!”
Murray had just met the woman of his dreams, but he was horribly shy and could never muster the courage to ask her out on a date.
Fortunately his friend Saul had an ingenious solution. “Send her some flowers,” Saul said. “On the card, invite her to your house for a delicious home cooked meal.”
Murray thought that was a wonderful idea, and immediately dialed the florist.
A few days later, Saul asked Murray how it went.
“It was a disaster! A terrible idea!” moaned Murray.
“Why? What happened? Didn’t she accept?” asked Saul.
“Oh she accepted alright,” said Murray, “but when she came over, she refused to cook!”
Donna and Sam were reading the evening paper, when Donna let out a chuckle.
“Get this, Sam,” she said to her husband. “Some guy put an ad in here offering to swap his wife for a season ticket at the stadium! Could you imagine doing anything like that?”
“That’s just crazy,” said Sam. “I would never do something like that!”
“Aww honey,” Donna cooed, “You’re so sweet!”
“Only an idiot would make such an offer,” Sam added. “The season is already half over!”
Excited about her new purchase, the 16 year old girl raced home and tried on her new bikini. She was so thrilled with how it looked that she showed it to her mother.
“Well, what do you think, Mom?” asked the daughter.
Her mother cooly replied, “If I had worn that when I was your age, you would be 5 years older now.”
Pick a Topic. Any Topic. OK, any topic but that one.
“Isn’t it strange that we talk least about the things we think about most?” -Charles Lindbergh
Some people never shut up. It seems like they just keep on talking and talking. I have a friend who will start talking to you, and she’ll keep on talking to you even as you are walking out the door. Even when you close the door behind you, she’s still having that conversation as if you were standing right there in front of her. This is an extreme example, but I imagine like most of us, she frequently has thoughts that she’d never say out loud.
Generally speaking, our brains are wired to protect us from ourselves. Of course it doesn’t always work, but it usually keeps you from falling off a cliff, or rolling around in lava, or saying shit that might get you killed. The latter may not seem to apply to celebrities on Twitter, but they’re all pretty much still breathing.
While those thoughts we never say lay the foundations of our mental house of cards, no amount of waterboarding, drunkenness, or pentothal could ever force us to utter those thoughts aloud. It’s a hard coded priority that takes precedence over self-preservation. Even the most cowardly would die before they would speak.
So if you’ve ever worried about those thoughts in your head, take comfort in knowing that you’re not the only one who has them. Everyone has them. On the other hand, the thoughts you never tell are unique unto you, and no matter how many friends you have, you are still very much alone.
So it's been kind of a mixed bag this year. Sadly, my Aunt Pam passed away back in February, then my cat, Alex, died in June. On the plus side, I got Murphy in August, and I finally managed to pay off what was left of my old revolving credit card debt that I've had hanging over me for 40 years.
Born on June 22, 2025, Murphy is about 6 months old as of this post. I picked him up off Craig's List for $10 when he was about 7 weeks old. Since then I've spent about $1300 over 5 vet visits to make sure he got all his shots and yes that includes neutering. Where Alex merely tolerated Gail, Murphy adores her. and the two are regularly seen snuggling up to one another. Those photos aren't staged. These two are really that close.
In spite of everything, I'm still gainfully employed. it's highly doubtful AI is going to take my job anytime soon, so I guess I can be thankful for that. On the other hand I recently found out I have chronic kidney disease, so that's no beuno. I won't find out until January if lifestyle and medication changes are going to be enough to keep it from progressing. Fingers crossed.
On a lighter note, I've started occasionally live-streaming Tarot card readings on Twitch. No, I don't actually believe in magical mumbo-jumbo, but there is an art to the craft. I look at Tarot as basically being psychology with flashcards. There are 78 cards, and each card can have different and multiple meanings depending on its context. When you know what you're doing you can ALWAYS match randomly dealt cards to the context. Form a coherent narrative around the cards and you can actually gain an altered perspective on your situation that may give you more confidence in facing your problems.
So that's about it for 2025. Not gonna lie: While it wasn't all bad, this year sucked pretty hard. I can't make any promises, but I fully intend on putting out more than 2 comics in 2026, and I might even include a few more jokes and rants.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!
Pax,
-f2x
September 2026
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
