A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that,” said the wife. “We have a great relationship. I was a communications major in college, and he majored in theatre arts.”
The husband added, “That’s right. She communicates well, and I act like I’m listening.”
While taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, the plane finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”
Lisa had a problem. She couldn’t make up her mind about two of her suitors. She decided to try her luck by going to a fortune teller for advice.
“I love both Virgil and Jerry, and they both love me,” explained Lisa. “But I don’t know which one I should marry. Who will be the lucky one?”
The soothsayer gazed into her crystal ball and said, “I can see that you will marry Virgil, and Jerry will be the lucky one.”
A man was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a voice from out of nowhere: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
Astonished, the man continued walking, and after awhile he was going to cross the road when once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, and sure enough, a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
Looking around him, the man shouted out, “Where are you? Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” said the man. “And just where were you when I got married?”
As their mother prepared breakfast, the two young brothers were arguing over who should get the first pancake.
Their mother saw it as an opportunity to teach them a moral lesson. “Now boys, if Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘I can wait. Let my brother have the first pancake.'”
The 9 year old turned to his younger brother and said, “Did you hear that, Louis? You get to be Jesus today!”
A Comment on Comment Spam
In the old days, bots flew over the internet in giant flocks so dense, they could block out all meaningful discourse. It was infuriating for everyone who had a website. The creative spellings of Cialis were endless, and their broken links were mildly curious until you realized that they weren’t really trying to sell your visitors something; they were trying to ruin your site.
Many anti-spam plugins were born. Some involve captchas, some utilized alien brain waves, but for the most part, spam was something that you really didn’t see very much of anymore. Instead, as a webmaster, you saw messages from your anti-spam solution telling you just how wonderful a job it was doing by protecting you from spam.
So I got to thinking… Just how much spam am I really getting these days? It turns out, it’s not a whole lot. I deleted my anti-spam plugin, and apparently even the spambots hate my site. There have been only five (5) spam comments in the past month. Basically it’s about one spam per week, which is more than twice the rate of legitimate comments.
Wait… I have legitimate comments? Huh… Apparently there are 53 of them since 2016, so yes, yes there are actual people making occasional comments. Of course about half those comments are from me replying to the nice folks who bothered to make the comments, so that would make the spam rate about four times the rate of people making comments which basically doesn’t mean shit, because Zombo.com is still getting more daily visitors than Flush Twice.
Oh, I shouldn’t really complain though… Oh wait. That’s why I’m here in the first place. It’s a Sunday rant, and today I’m ranting that I don’t get very much comment spam for some reason. Damn. I sure do rant about some really stupid shit.
So what do you think? Leave a spam-like comment in the comments below, and I’ll be sure to personally delete it.
Before I sign off, I just want to give a special thanks to Glenn A. and George L. for this week’s jokes. Flush Twice would not be possible if not for the dedicated people who contribute the jokes to this site. You can contribute jokes here or by emailing them to flush2x@gmail.com.
Pax,
-f2x
A young man was availed and opportunity to ask a local millionaire how he made his fortune.
The old man leaned back in his chair and said, “Well, son, it was 35 years ago, and I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month.”
“So you made your fortune selling apples?”
“No, by then my wife’s father had died and left us two million dollars.”
Mark was very nervous about his doctor’s appointment, and was being very private about it.
When the doctor entered the room, Mark revealed his condition. Apparently his bum had leaves sprouting out of it, and not just any leaves; they were lettuce leaves!
The doctor carefully examined his patient, and after a few moments of poking and prodding he stood up and shook his head.
“Doctor, can you get rid of the lettuce leaves? Will I be alright?” Mark asked pleadingly.
“It’s hard to say,” replied the doctor, “but from what I can tell, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
Marvin hadn’t been to the movies in many years, but on a whim he decided to visit the newly constructed theater downtown. While the new building was very impressive, the ticket prices were much higher than he was expecting.
As Marvin handed over his money he commented, “Back in my day, the ticket prices were a mere fraction of what you’re charging!”
“Well you’re in for a real treat today, Sir,” said the man behind the counter. “These days the shows have sound!”
