As the husband stepped out of the shower he remarked, “It’s too hot to wear clothes today.”
His wife gave a faint smirk and said, “Well you need to put something on if you’re going to get that grass cut today.”
“What do you reckon the neighbors will think if I mow the lawn like this?” he said with open arms.
Without even a glance his wife said, “They will probably think that I married you for your money.”
The man stood in line for what seemed like forever at the bureau of motor vehicles. By the time it was his turn, he had grown rather tired and weary.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
“That’s okay,” he reassured the man. “It’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
The only way to pull off an afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons’ have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
“Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
The Test in Time
Jeremy nervously looked at his watch as he frantically filled in the ovals with a #2 pencil. He couldn’t be bothered with reading the questions as there wasn’t much time. As soon as he got to the end, he walked to the front of the class and laid the test booklet on the teacher’s desk.
With an arched eyebrow, the teacher remarked, “Finished so soon, Mr. Ryan?”
With a desperate gasp, Jeremy said, “I think I’m gonna be sick!” before quickly running out the door and down the hall.
He burst into the bathroom and ran to the sink. As he caught a glimpse of the youthful reflection in the mirror, he turned on the cold water and splashed his face while breathing heavily. He could feel the room spinning around him as he fell to the floor, briefly losing consciousness. When he opened his eyes again, the room was dark.
“Did it work?” he wondered aloud. Jeremy struggled to his feet and carefully made his way to the door. The hallway was dimly lit by the sunlight coming through the glass doorway at the end. He made his way outside to the fresh air, leaving an abandoned and dilapidated building behind him.
He reached in his pocket for his phone, and dialed a number in his contacts. A woman answered the phone and announced the name of the company before asking how to direct the call.
“Alison, it’s Jeremy. Let me talk to Chris.”
“I’m sorry, sir. Who would you like to speak with again?” the woman asked.
“Chris. Chris Ryan. You know, the guy in charge of the Temporal Engineering department.”
“I’m sorry sir, but we have no such person or department,” came the voice over the phone.
Jeremy dropped the phone to the ground as he dropped his head into his hands. He sobbed briefly. His tears turned to laughter as he raised his head and lifted his clenched fists in victory.
Now that the story time is out of the way…
As always, a warm thank you to George and Glenn for taking the time to send me this week’s jokes. It means a lot. It’s easy to contribute jokes! Try our submission page, or just email me at flush2x@gmail.com.
Pax,
-f2x
A man sat crying on the couch in his therapists office.
The psychiatrist consoled his patient and reminded him that that he had been making excellent progress.
“You call this progress?” the man sobbed. “Six months ago, I was Napoleon Bonaparte. Here we are today, and I’m a nobody!”
A well dressed woman walked into a gun shop and asked for help in choosing a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she said.
“Certainly Ma’am,” said the sales clerk. “Do you know what caliber he prefers?”
“I haven’t the foggiest,” said the woman. “and I doubt he’ll care what caliber it is after I shoot him with it.”
A little boy got on the bus by himself and sat behind the driver.
“If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a calf,” said the little boy.
The bus driver ignored him.
“If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I’d be a chick.”
The bus driver started to get slightly annoyed.
“If my mom was a gander and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little gosling.”
These peculiar observations went on for some time. Tired of listening to the little boy ramble on, the bus driver turned and said, “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?”
Without hesitation the boy replied, “I’d be a bus driver.”
A young politician was getting his first tailor-made suit. A week after the tailor took the measurement, the young man went in for his first fitting.
The new suit looked amazing. He was convinced that his sharp appearance would win him many votes.
As he admired himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets, but to his surprise, there were no pockets!
“Why doesn’t this suit have any pockets?” queried the candidate.
“You’re running for office.” the tailor stated flatly.
The young man retorted, “Of course, but what does that have to do with anything?”
The tailor remarked, “Well who ever heard of a politician putting his hands in his own pockets?”
“It’s kind of sad. While we still get along, my wife just doesn’t look at me the way she used to,” said Keith.
“You think that’s bad,” replied Terry. “These days, my wife looks at me exactly the same way as the day we first met!”
“What’s so bad about that?” asked Keith.
“She looks at me like I’m a complete stranger, and she thinks she could do way better.”
