Author Archives: f2x

“Look, Johnny,” said the coach, “I’ve taught you the principles of good sportsmanship. You understand that the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language, right?”

Little Johnny nodded, “Yes sir, I understand.”

“Good. Now, would you please explain it to your father?”

A 747 was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing.

A moment later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except for some lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.

A man went on vacation to Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law. While they were there, the mother-in-law died.

The undertaker explained that they could ship the body back home, but that it will cost many thousands of dollars. On the other hand, they could inter her in Jerusalem for much, much less.

The man bluntly replied, “We’ll ship her home.”

The undertaker pressed, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense, and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The man said, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.”

One night, a drunk came stumbling into a bar and said to the bartender, “Drinks for all on me, including you, bartender.”

So the bartender poured everyone and himself a round, but then the drunk admitted that he had no money. Incensed by the revelation, the bartender roughed up the drunk and threw him out.

The next night the same drunk came in again and ordered drinks for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender poured the drinks, and again the drunk said he didn’t have the money. So the bartender roughed him up worse than before and threw him out.

On the third night the drunk came back and order drinks for everyone except the bartender.

“What, no drink for me?” replied the bartender.

“Absolutely not!” said the drunk. “You get violent when you drink.”

Sophie and Max used to live in New York, but retired to Miami Beach. One afternoon they were getting ready to go out to dinner. Sophie said, “Max, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”

Max said, “I don’t care.”

A few minutes later Sophie said, “Max, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”

Max said, “Your choice.”

A few more minutes passed and Sophie said, “Max, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”

Finally Max said, “Sophie, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.”