The obstetrician’s wife noticed a rather voluptuous guest was making overtures at her husband during a large informal gathering of his colleagues in their home. At first she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into the bedroom together.
She immediately rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and yelled, “Listen, bitch! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them!”
Gerald mosied up to an attractive woman at the bar and asked, “Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?”
The woman looked him over and asked, “Do you like sex?”
“Of course, I like sex,” said Gerald.
“Do you like to travel?” the woman inquired.
“Oh, I love to travel,” he remarked.
“Then fuck off.”
A hillbilly woman went to the hospital to have her first child, and a year later she was back for a second child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there every May to give birth.
After the 12th year she stopped coming back every spring to give birth, and the staff wondered what happened. It would be another 5 years before they would see her again, but this time for a minor injury.
When asked why she hadn’t been having any babies the past few years, she replied, “There ain’t gonna be no more, now that I figured out what was causin’ ’em.”
Marvin and Mabel went to their doctor’s office and asked to be tested for HIV.
Seeing how the couple were both monogamous octogenarians, the doctor asked why they felt that they should be tested.
The old man said, “Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after having annual sex!”
The Battery Powered Mower’s Time Has Come
If your estate requires a riding mower, just skip down to the kudos, because this doesn’t apply to you… yet. For those still using gas powered push mowers, lemme tell ya, you’re doing it the hard way. And if you’re still using a corded electric lawn mower, you’re really doing it the hard way.
I recently went to a popular big box hardware store and bought their “exclusive” name-brand battery powered lawn mower for $279. I had been wary, but I decided to take a chance.
See, I have neither a garage nor storage shed, and since I refuse to bring gasoline into my century old tinderbox house, I opted to use a corded electric lawn mower.
At first, it wasn’t too bad because my yard is quite small, but then my neighbor’s husband died, so I started mowing her yard too. Next thing you know her other neighbor ends up with a medical condition, so now I’m mowing his yard… And managing the extension cord got to be a real hassle, so it would take over an hour to cut three lawns.
So this mower boasted up to 40 minutes of run time… Well, if I didn’t have to fuck around with the cord so much, maybe 40 minutes would be enough to mow these 3 small yards. So how did that work out? Since I bought this battery powered mower, I’ve had to mow the grass three times, and the last time I cut the grass it took me less than 30 minutes.
LESS THAN 30 MINUTES.
I think the thing that really impressed me was how well it cut through the thick patch in my neighbor’s yard. It just went right through it without any difficulty while my corded mower would bog down. I also don’t have to overlap halfway so as to effectively cut the lawn twice. Just one pass cuts clean and level. Did I mention there’s no cord to fuck with?
Seriously, this is a game changer. You take the battery off the charger, stick it in the mower, stick the key in the mower, push a button, then pull down the lever, run it all over the yard, take out the battery and key, put the battery back on the charger, and you’re done.
No yanking your rotator cuff out of its socket. No priming the fuel line. No trying to guess what’s wrong with it this time like you do with a gas powered mower. It’s push-button simplicity that makes mowing the lawn a breeze.
When something easier comes along, the previous way becomes the hard way, and when the hard way doesn’t do it any better or faster, then it’s the stupid way as well. If you have to mow the lawn, you owe it to yourself to try one of these battery powered mowers… or you could just, you know… keep doing it the stupid way.
Kudos
I know I haven’t been posting his jokes that much lately, and I also know he doesn’t care, but I’m using them now, so thanks, Glenn. For those unaware, George is out for a bit because of health issues, and for the longest while I stopped using Glenn’s jokes because most of the time they were either jokes that had already been used or were kind of R, NC-17, TV-MA or perhaps XXX rated. My point is, if anyone would be so kind as to send jokes to my submission page, I would be ever so grateful. I still check flush2x@gmail.com for submissions as well. Hope y’all have a great week!
Pax,
-f2x
Flying to San Francisco from San Diego, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey even though the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
“Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 San Diego State University girls going to San Francisco for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Navy recruits out on weekend liberty. What would you do?”
The teacher was giving a lesson about the concept of starvation to the class. She asked volunteers to come up to the chalkboard to draw their idea of starvation.
Although Little Johnny was the only kid in class with his hand up the teacher called on José, because she knew better than to call on Little Johnny. So, José went up and drew a round circle on the board with a bunch of dots in the circle.
The teacher asks him, “What is that, José?”
José replied, “Starvation is when all you have for dinner is a bunch of peas.”
The teacher said, “That’s great, José, but not quite what I’m looking for.”
She called on Suzy next, even though Little Johnny was the only one with his hand. Suzy went up and drew a circle and only put 2 dots in it. She explained to the teacher that starvation is only having two peas for dinner.
Again, the teacher said, “Well that’s great, but not what I was looking for.”
Finally, she called on Little Johnny even though she knew she’d regret it.
Little Johnny came up and drew a big circle and then draws a bunch of scribbled lines in it.
The teacher was thinking, well here it comes. She asked, “O.K. Little Johnny, tell us what your idea of starvation is.”
Little Johnny says, “Well, teacher, this circle is the asshole, and all these scribbles are cobwebs!”
Tony pulled into a small town that he couldn’t believe still existed in 2019. It was basically a dusty dirt road with a wooden building that said “General Store” and not much else.
Tony noticed a little old man sitting in a rocking chair in front of the store, so he moseyed up and asked him, “What do you folks like to do around here?”
The old man’s voice creaked, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt n’ fuck.”
Curious, Tony asked, “So what do you hunt?”
The old man replied, “Somethin’ to fuck.”
The husband had been coming home hammered every night for years, and the wife always yelled at him before going to bed angry and alone.
One day the woman decided to try some of that reverse psychology she had read about. When her husband staggered in the door late one night, she was waiting for him in her sexiest lingerie. She sat him in an armchair and gave him a back rub.
“It’s getting late, big boy,” she said in a sultry voice. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed?”
“We might as well,” slurred the drunken husband. “I’m going to be in trouble anyway when I get home.”
