Sicilia scurried down the stairs and stood in the entry to the living room.
“Mamma, I’m going out for a bit,” She said to her mother.
Her mother looked up from her crossword and noticed all the frayed tears in the Sicilia’s denim pants. “You’re not going out with all those holes in your pants, are you?” the mother scorned.
“No Mama,” Sicilia replied. “I’m going out with Peggy and Lynne.”
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client.
After several days of trial, the case was finally won, and the client was acquitted and released.
The young lawyer was so excited about his win he texted “Justice prevailed!” to one of the senior partners.
The senior partner quickly replied, “Appeal immediately!”
For two solid hours, the little old lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of her grandchildren.
Finally realizing that she had dominated the entire conversation, she said to the man next to her, “Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”
Trying to Keep Shit Together
So I got this promotion, but of course now it is like they expect me to do even more work than before. Well, actually, there’s just a lot more work for me to do, and I have to put in more hours to get it all done. The good news is, I am having trouble spending all the money I am raking in!
Oh wait… I still owe over 70 grand on mortgage and credit cards. {heavy sigh}
Meanwhile, I get this “long” weekend. By long they mean Sunday and Monday off. I have to work most Saturdays now, and I am also the guy who opens the shop at 5am. Yay.
I guess they were right… I am getting sick of all this “winning”.
Kudos
Glenn sent me several jokes, but all of the jokes were ones we have used already. That means George provided the bulk of the jokes this week, and I scrounged up a few as well. Of course anyone can submit via our submission page or by using my very own personal email address at flush2x@gmail.com.
Hope is the most precious treasure to a person. You know, I eat a lot of Chinese take-out, so I will be typing these straight from my fortune cookies from now on, OK? Don’t forget to add “in bed” at the end.
Pax,
-f2x
A man took his pitbull to the vet and said “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do to help?”
“Well,” said the vet, “lets have a look at him.”
The vet picked the dog up and took a good look at its eyes.
The vet shook his head and said, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“Just because he’s cross-eyed?” said the man.
“No,” replied the vet. “It’s because he’s heavy.”
During a heated quarrel with his parents Marty yelled, “I’m tired of this run down town! I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find it here at home, so I’m leaving, and don’t you try and stop me!”
With that he headed toward the door.
His father got out of his chair and followed the young man.
“Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop me.”
“Who’s trying to stop you?” replied his father. “I want to go with you.”
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of my organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
Jacob was nursing a beer while complaining about how his wife was an ungrateful wench.
The bartender, lending a sympathetic ear, asked what happened.
“It was her birthday, so I bought her a bag and a belt,” explained Jacob. “She said it wasn’t good enough and threw me out!”
“It does seem a bit ungrateful,” remarked the bartender.
“I know, right?!” slurred the man. “It even made her vacuum cleaner run like new again!”
Vinnie had fallen in love with Maggie. Under the influence of his infatuation, he promised her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses.
One day they took a stroll down 5th Avenue. As they walked past a jewelry store, Maggie whispered, “You promised me diamonds.”
Vinnie picked up a brick laying nearby and threw it through the store window. He reached in and grabbed a diamond necklace, which he then put around Maggie’s neck.
As they strolled on, they came upon a fur shop. Maggie cooed, “You promised me furs too.”
Vinnie picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink, and gave it to Maggie.
As they continued their stroll, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Maggie sighed, “I seem to recall you promised me beautiful dresses.”
“What?!” Vinnie protested. “Do you think I’m made out of bricks?”
