Author Archives: f2x

A young man was pushing a screaming, bellowing baby in the cart at the supermarket.

The man kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert. Albert, don’t scream. It’s no good yelling, Albert. We’ll be home soon, Albert. Albert, keep calm.”

An observant woman approached the young man and said, “You certainly are to be commended for showing such patience with little Albert.”

The man rolled his eyes at the woman and said, “Lady, the kid’s name is Charlie. I’m Albert.”

A mathematician, an accountant, and an economist were all vying for the same job.

The interviewer called in the mathematician and asked “What does two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replied “That’s easy. Two plus two equals exactly four.”

Next the interviewer called in the accountant and asked the same question.

The accountant explained “Typically four, give or take ten percent, but on average, two plus two is about four.”

Finally the interviewer called in the economist and posed the same question, “What does two plus two equal?”

The economist got up, locked the door, closed the shades, and sat down next to the interviewer before asking, “What do you want it to equal?”

A contractor was speaking with a client about painting some offices she had on the third floor.

“In this area of the office,” the client instructed, “I would like a pale blue.”

The contractor wrote it down, then went to the window, opened it, and yelled, “Green side up!”

In the second room, she told the contractor, “I’d like this office area painted in a soft yellow.”

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and again yelled “Green side up!”

The client was curious, but said nothing.

In the third area, the client said, “I would like this area painted a warm rose color.”

As had been done the previous two times, the contractor wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, “Green side up!”

Unable to contain her curiosity, the client then asked, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’?”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that, Ma’am,” replied the contractor. “I currently have a crew of blondes laying sod out front.”

While touring the university grounds, a visitor paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

“I absolutely love Ernest Hemingway,” said the prospective student. “Can you tell me the connection between him and the University?”

“Actually,” noted the guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

A little let down, the young student asked, “Was Joshua Hemingway also a writer?”

“Yes, indeed,” explained the guide. “He wrote a check.”

A man driving through the countryside accidentally went off the road and into a ditch. With his vehicle thoroughly stuck, the driver pleaded for help from a farmer passing by in his horse and buggy.

The farmer said his horse, Benny, could easily pull the car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched the horse to the bumper of the car.

He yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull! ” but Benny didn’t move.

Raising his voice he yelled, “Come on, pull Ranger!” Still, Benny didn’t move.

Then he loudly shouted, “Now pull, Fred, pull hard!.” Benny just stood.

It was then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Okay, Benny, pull.”

And Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer explained, “Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”

As little Johnny was acting up again, the teacher sternly remarked, “Listen, young man, you had better settle down and start paying attention!”

“Or else what?” the little brat retorted.

“Or else you’ll be going home with a soggy report card!” said the teacher.

“Why would my report card be wet?” asked Johnny.

The teacher replied, “Because all your grades are well below ‘C’-level.”

A lawyer went duck hunting in a rural farming town.

He shot down a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over it, the elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck, and it fell into this field. Now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in these parts. We settle small disagreements with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”

The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer climbed down from the tractor, walked up to the lawyer, and planted his steel-toed work boot into the other man’s groin, causing the attorney to drop to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer down on all fours, and the farmer’s third kick to the rear end sent the lawyer headfirst into a fresh cow pie!

The lawyer summoned every bit of his strength and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “You know what? Take the damn duck.”