An artist called the gallery owner on the phone to see if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner explained. “The good news is that a gentleman inquiring about your work, wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it almost certainly would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist replied. “What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman let it slip that he was your doctor.”
Morris wasn’t too bright, so he went to the fish monger, who was rumored to be the smartest man in town.
“I want to be smart like you,” said Morris. “Can you tell me your secret?”
The fish monger looked over each shoulder to be sure no one else could overhear, then in a hushed voice told Morris, “Fish heads. If you eat enough of them, it will make you positively brilliant!”
Intrigued, Morris asked, “How much do fish heads cost?”
“Four dollars each,” said the fish monger.
“I’ll take five!” said Morris as he slapped twenty dollars on the counter.
A few days later, Morris came back to the fish monger’s in a rage. “Those fish heads were disgusting, and I don’t feel any smarter!”, yelled Morris.
The fish monger motioned for Morris to calm down and politely explained, “You haven’t eaten enough of them. If you want to become smarter, you have to eat more of them.”
Morris grumbled as he handed over another twenty for sack of five fish heads.
A few days later, Morris was back at the fish monger’s even madder than before. “You’ve been selling me these awful fish heads for four dollars a piece, but I just found out I could buy a whole fish here, including the head, for only two dollars. I think you’ve been ripping me off!”
“See that?” the delighted fish monger exclaimed. “You’re getting smarter already!”
“I’ve gone over the test results twice, Mr. Johnson,” the doctor explained. “I’m afraid you only have 1 week left to live.”
“Oh no! Doc, you gotta help me,” pleaded the patient. “I’m not ready to die. What can I do to live at least a little longer?”
“If you’re really serious, you need to give up greasy fast food, sodas, alcohol, smoking, and sex. You also need to go to bed early, get up early, and exercise every day.”
With hope in his eyes, the patient asked, “And if I do that, I might be able to live longer?”
“Well, no,” explained the doctor. “But it will make your last week feel like a decade.”
A building manager called three contractors to come out and give their best estimates on a small reconstruction job. After carefully explaining what needed to be done, the manager showed the contractors to the area where the work was to be performed.
The first contractor took out his tape measure, did some measuring and said, “Well, I figure the job will run about $1000. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $200 profit for me.”
The second contractor also took out his tape measure, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Without so much as moving, the third contractor said, “$2,700.”
The manager’s jaw dropped on that last estimate. He looked at the contractor and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How can you justify such a high figure?”
“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy who’s gonna do it for $700.”
Two yogurts walk into a bar.
The bartender said to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here!”
“Why not?” one of the yogurts replied. “We’re cultured individuals.”
D.I.Why?!
When Grace started having problems, her first symptom was peeing on the carpet. The vet said it was behavioral, but this isn’t about that. This is about what I did to protect the carpet. I went to Menards and purchased an 8 x 12 section of sheet vinyl marked for clearance. It was an ugly dark hardwood pattern that I laid it down over top of the living room carpet. It covered most of the living room, and when Grace peed on it, I could easily just wipe the puddle up.
As ugly as that dark color was, I had to admire the quality of the vinyl floor and started to consider replacing the carpet with a much lighter pattern. Of course this seemed like way more work than I wanted to do, so that idea hit the back burner. Fast forward, Grace is gone, and Gail is pissing on everything not covered by the vinyl. At this point I have to concede that the carpet was way past its prime, and there is no bringing it back. I picked out the flooring at the big box store and brought it home.There is enough to do the living room, hallway, and kitchen.
So I took it down to the basement, where it still sits to this day.
OK, so this holiday weekend, I decided it was time to rip out the old carpet. I’d never done this before, so this was a new and exciting experience. I was wondering what kind of horrors lurked beneath those decrepit fibers and padding. Perhaps there would be an ominous satanic pentagram or a blood stain next to a chalk outline! No, what I found was so much worse. It was a hardwood floor in extraordinarily bad condition. It’s so bad that when Gail pees on the floor, it rains in the basement. So now the pressure is really on to get that new flooring down.
Would that it were so simple.
I still have to get those blasted nail strips pulled up from around the baseboards… and then their is the piano. Did I mention I have a piano? Moving a piano on carpet is hard, but it usually doesn’t hurt anything. I just saw what my piano did to the bare hardwood floor, and if I don’t come up with something, it is going to seriously fuck up my new vinyl floor when I try to put the piano back.
So there you have it… If you’re wondering where my inspiration went, it’s currently rolled up in the logistics of rolling out vinyl.
Kudos
Of course we’re rolling out five more jokes this week. You can thank Glenn and George for those jokes, but I’m still open to accepting submissions from viewers like you. You can also send me email at flush2x@gmail.com if you prefer.
“You can take a dog outside, but you can’t make it pee” ― Micah Amyx
Pax,
-f2x
After answering the phone, Father Murphy was surprised to learn he was speaking with an IRS tax auditor.
“This is a church, and we are exempt from paying taxes,” the priest remarked.
“We are not interested your church,” explained the auditor. “One of your parishioners, Harold Bixby, indicated that he gave a $15,000 donation to the church last year. Can you verify if this is the truth?”
The priest smiled and said, “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Harold.”
An old truck driver was eating at a truck stop when three large bikers walked in.
The first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second spit in the old man’s coffee and took a seat at the counter.
The third turned over the old man’s plate and took a seat at the counter.
Without a muttering word, the old man got up from his seat and quietly left the diner.
One of the bikers remarked to the waitress, “Not much of a man, was he!”
The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just drove his semi over your motorcycles!”
Fred noticed his neighbor, Justin, had not been going in to work and decided to mention it to him.
“I got fired,” Justin stated matter-of-factly.
“Fired?” remarked Fred, “Why did they fire you?”
Justin explained, “You know how the boss always stands around watching people but never doing anything?”
Fred chuckled, “Yeah, I know. Did you say something about it, and it pissed him off?”
“Well no,” sighed Justin. “People around the shop started thinking I was the boss.”
