“I’ve gone over the test results twice, Mr. Johnson,” the doctor explained. “I’m afraid you only have 1 week left to live.”
“Oh no! Doc, you gotta help me,” pleaded the patient. “I’m not ready to die. What can I do to live at least a little longer?”
“If you’re really serious, you need to give up greasy fast food, sodas, alcohol, smoking, and sex. You also need to go to bed early, get up early, and exercise every day.”
With hope in his eyes, the patient asked, “And if I do that, I might be able to live longer?”
“Well, no,” explained the doctor. “But it will make your last week feel like a decade.”
A building manager called three contractors to come out and give their best estimates on a small reconstruction job. After carefully explaining what needed to be done, the manager showed the contractors to the area where the work was to be performed.
The first contractor took out his tape measure, did some measuring and said, “Well, I figure the job will run about $1000. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $200 profit for me.”
The second contractor also took out his tape measure, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Without so much as moving, the third contractor said, “$2,700.”
The manager’s jaw dropped on that last estimate. He looked at the contractor and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How can you justify such a high figure?”
“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy who’s gonna do it for $700.”
When Grace started having problems, her first symptom was peeing on the carpet. The vet said it was behavioral, but this isn’t about that. This is about what I did to protect the carpet. I went to Menards and purchased an 8 x 12 section of sheet vinyl marked for clearance. It was an ugly dark hardwood pattern that I laid it down over top of the living room carpet. It covered most of the living room, and when Grace peed on it, I could easily just wipe the puddle up.
As ugly as that dark color was, I had to admire the quality of the vinyl floor and started to consider replacing the carpet with a much lighter pattern. Of course this seemed like way more work than I wanted to do, so that idea hit the back burner. Fast forward, Grace is gone, and Gail is pissing on everything not covered by the vinyl. At this point I have to concede that the carpet was way past its prime, and there is no bringing it back. I picked out the flooring at the big box store and brought it home.There is enough to do the living room, hallway, and kitchen.
So I took it down to the basement, where it still sits to this day.
OK, so this holiday weekend, I decided it was time to rip out the old carpet. I’d never done this before, so this was a new and exciting experience. I was wondering what kind of horrors lurked beneath those decrepit fibers and padding. Perhaps there would be an ominous satanic pentagram or a blood stain next to a chalk outline! No, what I found was so much worse. It was a hardwood floor in extraordinarily bad condition. It’s so bad that when Gail pees on the floor, it rains in the basement. So now the pressure is really on to get that new flooring down.
Would that it were so simple.
I still have to get those blasted nail strips pulled up from around the baseboards… and then their is the piano. Did I mention I have a piano? Moving a piano on carpet is hard, but it usually doesn’t hurt anything. I just saw what my piano did to the bare hardwood floor, and if I don’t come up with something, it is going to seriously fuck up my new vinyl floor when I try to put the piano back.
So there you have it… If you’re wondering where my inspiration went, it’s currently rolled up in the logistics of rolling out vinyl.
Kudos
Of course we’re rolling out five more jokes this week. You can thank Glenn and George for those jokes, but I’m still open to accepting submissions from viewers like you. You can also send me email at flush2x@gmail.com if you prefer.
“You can take a dog outside, but you can’t make it pee” ― Micah Amyx
After answering the phone, Father Murphy was surprised to learn he was speaking with an IRS tax auditor.
“This is a church, and we are exempt from paying taxes,” the priest remarked.
“We are not interested your church,” explained the auditor. “One of your parishioners, Harold Bixby, indicated that he gave a $15,000 donation to the church last year. Can you verify if this is the truth?”
The priest smiled and said, “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Harold.”
While waiting in the reception area of her new dentist, Mary noticed the doctor’s full name. She suddenly realized it was the same name as a boy she went to high school with over 20 years ago.
Of course all those years had taken their toll, because the young boy was now a middle aged man who no longer resembled his younger self.
After the exam, Mary asked him which high school he attended and the year he graduated. He told her and she exclaimed, “I knew it! You were in my class!”
He looked closely at Mary before asking, “What did you teach?”
A man came home from an exhausting day of work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said, “Can you get me another beer before it starts?”
She started getting cross, fetched another beer, and slammed it down next to him.
After another 10 minutes, he finished his beer and said, “Quick, get me another beer; it’s going to start any minute now.”
The wife was furious. She yelled at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”
So it's been kind of a mixed bag this year. Sadly, my Aunt Pam passed away back in February, then my cat, Alex, died in June. On the plus side, I got Murphy in August, and I finally managed to pay off what was left of my old revolving credit card debt that I've had hanging over me for 40 years.
Born on June 22, 2025, Murphy is about 6 months old as of this post. I picked him up off Craig's List for $10 when he was about 7 weeks old. Since then I've spent about $1300 over 5 vet visits to make sure he got all his shots and yes that includes neutering. Where Alex merely tolerated Gail, Murphy adores her. and the two are regularly seen snuggling up to one another. Those photos aren't staged. These two are really that close.
In spite of everything, I'm still gainfully employed. it's highly doubtful AI is going to take my job anytime soon, so I guess I can be thankful for that. On the other hand I recently found out I have chronic kidney disease, so that's no beuno. I won't find out until January if lifestyle and medication changes are going to be enough to keep it from progressing. Fingers crossed.
On a lighter note, I've started occasionally live-streaming Tarot card readings on Twitch. No, I don't actually believe in magical mumbo-jumbo, but there is an art to the craft. I look at Tarot as basically being psychology with flashcards. There are 78 cards, and each card can have different and multiple meanings depending on its context. When you know what you're doing you can ALWAYS match randomly dealt cards to the context. Form a coherent narrative around the cards and you can actually gain an altered perspective on your situation that may give you more confidence in facing your problems.
So that's about it for 2025. Not gonna lie: While it wasn't all bad, this year sucked pretty hard. I can't make any promises, but I fully intend on putting out more than 2 comics in 2026, and I might even include a few more jokes and rants.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!
Pax,
-f2x
June 2026
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
