Sunday, December 1, 2019


When Grace started having problems, her first symptom was peeing on the carpet. The vet said it was behavioral, but this isn’t about that. This is about what I did to protect the carpet. I went to Menards and purchased an 8 x 12 section of sheet vinyl marked for clearance. It was an ugly dark hardwood pattern that I laid it down over top of the living room carpet. It covered most of the living room, and when Grace peed on it, I could easily just wipe the puddle up.

As ugly as that dark color was, I had to admire the quality of the vinyl floor and started to consider replacing the carpet with a much lighter pattern. Of course this seemed like way more work than I wanted to do, so that idea hit the back burner. Fast forward, Grace is gone, and Gail is pissing on everything not covered by the vinyl. At this point I have to concede that the carpet was way past its prime, and there is no bringing it back. I picked out the flooring at the big box store and brought it home.There is enough to do the living room, hallway, and kitchen.

So I took it down to the basement, where it still sits to this day.

OK, so this holiday weekend, I decided it was time to rip out the old carpet. I’d never done this before, so this was a new and exciting experience. I was wondering what kind of horrors lurked beneath those decrepit fibers and padding. Perhaps there would be an ominous satanic pentagram or a blood stain next to a chalk outline! No, what I found was so much worse. It was a hardwood floor in extraordinarily bad condition. It’s so bad that when Gail pees on the floor, it rains in the basement. So now the pressure is really on to get that new flooring down.

Would that it were so simple.

I still have to get those blasted nail strips pulled up from around the baseboards… and then their is the piano. Did I mention I have a piano? Moving a piano on carpet is hard, but it usually doesn’t hurt anything. I just saw what my piano did to the bare hardwood floor, and if I don’t come up with something, it is going to seriously fuck up my new vinyl floor when I try to put the piano back.

So there you have it… If you’re wondering where my inspiration went, it’s currently rolled up in the logistics of rolling out vinyl.


Of course we’re rolling out five more jokes this week. You can thank Glenn and George for those jokes, but I’m still open to accepting submissions from viewers like you. You can also send me email at if you prefer.

“You can take a dog outside, but you can’t make it pee” ― Micah Amyx



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