A guy walked into a bar with a banana on his head.
The bartender casually mentioned, “I don’t know if you realize this, but you’ve got a banana on your head.”
“That’s okay,” said the guy. “I always wear a banana on my head on Tuesdays.”
“But today is Wednesday,” explained the bartender.
“Oh no!” exclaimed the guy as he turned pale. “I must look like a complete idiot!”
A man walked into a dentist’s office and said, “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”
The dentist explained, “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.”
“Yes, I know,” acknowledged the man.
“So, why did you come in here?” asked the dentist.
Nonchalantly the man said, “The light was on.”
An employer didn’t want to hire a particular applicant, so he decided to give him a nonsense test, hoping the man wouldn’t be able to answer the questions. The employer figured that when the man couldn’t figure out any sensible answer, he would just give up without an argument.
So the employer gave the man his first question: “Without using numbers or letters or hash marks, write down a way to represent the number 9.”
The applicant said, “That’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees.
The employer responded, “What the hell is that?”
The man said, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.”
“Fair enough,” said the employer. “Your second problem is to use the same rules, but represent the number 99.”
The man stared into space for a while, then made a smudge on each tree. “There you go sir,” he said confidently.
The employer scratched his head and said, “How on earth is that supposed to represent 99?”
The job seeker explained, “Each tree is dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree. That’s 99!”
The employer was getting worried that he’d have to hire the guy, so he said, “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.”
The man stared into space again, then shouted, “Got it!” He made little marks at the base of each tree, and said, “There you go sir, 100.”
The employer looked at page and said, “You must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!”
The man leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the tree bases, and said, “A little dog came along and pooed by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. Now when do I start the job?”
Corona Killed My Job
I just got the call from H.R. today. Because of the new epidemic edict in Ohio, the company that I work for is officially closed until further notice.
Lovely.
Now that I’m stuck at home for however long “they” decide, I might as well take the opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep. Afterwards, I might try to fix the storm door my dog destroyed. Of course at no time will I be working to make improvements to this website since I will never have enough time for that.
The good news is, we’re allowed out of the house to go to the store, walk the dog, and scare the shit out of old people with a couple of coughs. I know one woman who is spraying the inside of her house with ― now get this ― rubbing alcohol… and she’s the only person in her house! She’s terrified the virus going to jump on her if she goes outside. The paranoia is surreal. The whole thing is surreal. Salvador Dali is surreal, but the shit going on right now makes his work seem less unnerving and illogical than the world around me at this time.
The governor of Ohio has given us the order to stay in our homes until April 6th. I’m an introvert, so that part should be fairly easy for me. The hard part is getting my unemployment pay since the website isn’t working properly. Managing my finances during this time is going to really suck.
Update 3/23/2020
It looks like my time off has been cut short. Somehow my job has been declared essential, and I go back to work tomorrow. This is a great relief for me since it is impossible to actually file for unemployment at this time (the website is broken), and there are no physical offices open for this purpose anymore. My employer’s payroll system is a far faster and more reliable way to make a buck!
H.R. actually emailed me some papers they said I should keep on me when traveling to and from work. Are you shitting me? They’re pulling a “Papers, Please” in the good ol’ US of A? That’s beyond fucked up! Of course I opened the pdf file and it was just a copy of Ohio’s “Stay at home order” with certain lines highlighted. I might as well carry a piece of paper that says, “I can do what I want.” But then that already sums up my philosophy on life anyway.
Stay strong, wash your hands, and social distance not because they told you to, but because everybody sucks. Be safe out there.
Kudos
Neither Glenn nor George are currently affected by CoVid 19. On the other hand, the jokes they’ve been sending me should probably be quarantined. Nevertheless, I’m presenting them here. If you would like to donate a joke, head over to our submission page or send it by email to flush2x@gmail.com. All jokes are tax deductible, and make great substitutes for toilet paper.
“There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.” ― Salvador Dali
Pax,
-f2x
The town had been overrun by squirrels. Desperate, the Mayor brought in dozens of stray cats. Unfortunately the cats made things worse, pooping in people’s gardens, killing songbirds, and overturning trashcans. The mayor had to get rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The owner of the hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels were back again, and this time they brought some of their friends from the forest.
Finally the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. So now the squirrels only come around on Christmas and Easter.
A lawyer had just successfully defended a major crime lord of all charges stemming from racketeering, dealing drugs, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he was leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the arm and scolded, “Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I’ve never seen such a shameless display. Why, I believe you would defend Satan himself!”
“Well, I don’t know about that,” the lawyer replied casually. “But tell me, what has your boy done?”
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. The man replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”
The bartender then asked, “Would you care for a cigarette?”
The man replied, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it.”
Not giving up, the bartender invited the man to play a game of pool, but again the man responded with, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once, but I didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son.”
The bartender remarked, “Let me guess… Your only son?”
Sandy invited Mitch to her house for dinner. When he arrived he saw that she had a couple of dogs. As the dogs greeted the young man, he asked, “What are their names?”
“Well oldest is named ‘One’ and the other is called ‘Two'” explained Sandy.
As Mitch petted the furry critters he asked, “Why did you name them that?”
With a gleam in her eye she said, “Well I figured that when One dies, I’ll still have Two.”
In the Army, Airborne soldiers attend special training to parachute out of planes. During one particular class, the topic was on what to do in the event that the main parachute fails. After covering the basics on the reserve parachute, one soldier raised his hand.
After the instructor acknowledged the young private, he asked, “How long do we have to deploy the reserve if the main parachute malfunctions?”
Looking the troop square in the face, the instructor replied, “The rest of your life.”
