Corona Killed My Job
I just got the call from H.R. today. Because of the new epidemic edict in Ohio, the company that I work for is officially closed until further notice.
Now that I’m stuck at home for however long “they” decide, I might as well take the opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep. Afterwards, I might try to fix the storm door my dog destroyed. Of course at no time will I be working to make improvements to this website since I will never have enough time for that.
The good news is, we’re allowed out of the house to go to the store, walk the dog, and scare the shit out of old people with a couple of coughs. I know one woman who is spraying the inside of her house with ― now get this ― rubbing alcohol… and she’s the only person in her house! She’s terrified the virus going to jump on her if she goes outside. The paranoia is surreal. The whole thing is surreal. Salvador Dali is surreal, but the shit going on right now makes his work seem less unnerving and illogical than the world around me at this time.
The governor of Ohio has given us the order to stay in our homes until April 6th. I’m an introvert, so that part should be fairly easy for me. The hard part is getting my unemployment pay since the website isn’t working properly. Managing my finances during this time is going to really suck.
It looks like my time off has been cut short. Somehow my job has been declared essential, and I go back to work tomorrow. This is a great relief for me since it is impossible to actually file for unemployment at this time (the website is broken), and there are no physical offices open for this purpose anymore. My employer’s payroll system is a far faster and more reliable way to make a buck!
H.R. actually emailed me some papers they said I should keep on me when traveling to and from work. Are you shitting me? They’re pulling a “Papers, Please” in the good ol’ US of A? That’s beyond fucked up! Of course I opened the pdf file and it was just a copy of Ohio’s “Stay at home order” with certain lines highlighted. I might as well carry a piece of paper that says, “I can do what I want.” But then that already sums up my philosophy on life anyway.
Stay strong, wash your hands, and social distance not because they told you to, but because everybody sucks. Be safe out there.
Neither Glenn nor George are currently affected by CoVid 19. On the other hand, the jokes they’ve been sending me should probably be quarantined. Nevertheless, I’m presenting them here. If you would like to donate a joke, head over to our submission page or send it by email to email@example.com. All jokes are tax deductible, and make great substitutes for toilet paper.
“There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.” ― Salvador Dali