Author Archives: f2x

A recent widow says to the mortician, “I’ve got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I’d really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here’s a blank check, use whatever you need, but I want him in a black suit.”
The mortician agrees and thanks the woman as she leaves.
Just then another widow comes in and says, “I know I’ve brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I’ve always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?”
The mortician assures her that it’s not a problem and the second woman thanks him as she leaves.
A few days later the at the first man’s funeral and the widow walks up and says, “Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him.”
The mortician replies, “Of course, and I was happy to do it. By the way, here’s your check back.”
“No, I really appreciate it, and I want to pay you,” insisted the widow. “Just take whatever you need.”
“Oh no really, it didn’t cost me anything,”explained the mortician. “You see, right after you came in, a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit, and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads.”

Today is the first day I go to work without my friend and supervisor for the past seventeen years. I’ve been very fortunate to have worked under such an amazing person. He made my job easy.
When you take a long time to get something done, you’re slow.
When the boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t get something done that you needed to do, it’s because you’re lazy.
When the boss doesn’t get it done, he’s too busy.
When you do something without being told, you’re trying to be smart.
When the boss does the same, he’s showing initiative.
When you try to please the boss, you’re a brown noser.
When the boss tries to please his boss, he’s co-operating.
And when you do something really good, the boss never remembers.
When you fuck up, he never forgets.
Good luck at your new job, boss.

We’re all going to miss you, Charlie.

After an interfaith conference, a priest and a rabbi are having a few drinks together in the hotel lounge.
The priest turns to the rabbi and suggests, “Hey rabbi, let’s go find a couple of alter boys and screw ’em!”
The rabbi replies, with his hands spread out, “Outta what?”

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it. The nurses hair was messy, her outfit was disheveled, and to top off, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”

Bob walked into a drug store and asked to speak with a male pharmacist.
The woman behind the counter said that she was the only pharmacist, and as she and her sister owned the store and that there were no male employees.
The shy man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat his situation in a professional and confidential manner.
Bob agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last several hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, “I think we can help, but I will need to confer with my sister.”
Bob nodded understandingly and waited several minutes as the pharmacist disappeared into the back room.
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length, and this is the absolute best we can do. One third ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

A sales rep on a business trip got booked at a hotel in a seedy part of town. While walking down the street he picked up a flyer for a call girl. There was a photo of a beautiful girl bending over. She had all the right curves in all the right places, long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her butt. At the bottom was her name and number.
The man got to his room and decided to give this girl a call, so he picked up the phone in his room and dialed the number.
“Hello,” said the woman on the other end, “how may I help you?”
The man thought she sounded really hot and said, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait… I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”
“That sounds fantastic, sir,” she said, “but for an outside line you need to press 9 first.”

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

Jenny took a fresh box of twelve condoms over to her boyfriend’s apartment. Over the next week, she and her boyfriend had sex every single night, but on the seventh day she noticed that they were on their last condom. “What happened to the other five condoms?” she asked him.
He nervously replied, “I… um… I masturbated with them.”
The next day at work, Jenny mention this to her male coworker then asked him, “Have you ever done that before?”
“Yeah, sure. At least once or twice. A lot of guys do it,” he replied.
“Wait a minute,” said Jenny. “You mean to tell me that you’ve actually masturbated with a condom?”
“Oh that? No,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

A hillbilly gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father to get some tips on what to do, since he had never been with a woman before. He asks him, “What do I do first?”
His dad says, “Take her clothes off and put her in bed.”
The hillbilly calls his dad five minutes later and says, “She’s naked and in bed What do I do now?”
His dad says, “Take your clothes off and get in bed.”
He calls back five minutes later and says, “I’m naked and in bed with her. What do I do now?”
His dad’s patience is now running thin, so he says, “Do I have to spell everything out? Just put the hardest thing on your body in the place where she pees!”
The hillbilly calls up five minutes later and says, “OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?”

A husband and his wife went to the Doctor. The Doctor took the husband in first.
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife, and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.
He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said – OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.
Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband, “You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either.”

Bob was obviously drowning his sorrows at the bar when Frank walked in. “What’s wrong, Bob? I’ve never seen you so down.”
“My girlfriend and I had a discussion earlier,” Bob began, “and she told me that a small penis shouldn’t affect our relationship.”
“She’s right you know,” consoled Frank. “Having a big dick is wa-a-a-ay over-rated. A small penis is nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Yeah,” said Bob, “but I’d prefer she didn’t have one at all!”