Author Archives: f2x

One day, Agnes found Mr. Friskers dead in the hallway. He had been a good cat, so she stuffed him into a large handbag to take him for a proper burial at the pet cemetery.
So Agnes went down to wait at the bus stop on the corner, and when the bus arrived she leaned into the bus driver and whispered, “I hope you don’t mind, but I have a dead pussy.”
“I don’t mind at all, Ma’am,” he said, “As a matter of fact, you should sit next to my wife in the seat behind me. You two seem to have a lot in common.”

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table — alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she will be his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it to her saying who it came from.
She looks at the bottle and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note said “For me to accept this bottle, you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank , and 7 inches in your pants.”
After reading the note, the man sends one back to her and it read: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560 sel, I have over $20 million in the bank, but not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off 3 inches!”

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks,” Why don’t we get it on, eh?”
She replies “I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don’t like to make love the night before.”
So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, “You don’t by any chance have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow, do you?”

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.'”

It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, “Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?”
“Yes,” she cooed, kissing him lightly, “She told me everything.”
“Good,” said the elderly gentleman as he turned out the light, “because I’ve forgotten.”

To wrap up “PUN WEEK”, I’m going out with another one of MoonShadow’s contributions. Thanks for watching, and we’ll be back on Monday with your regularly scheduled jokes.
Once upon a time a man owned several small dolphins that he kept in a large pool in his back yard. Now these were no ordinary dolphins you see, because as long as the man fed them fresh seagulls every day, the little dolphins would never age and die. So the man made his daily trek down a long narrow path to the beach where he captured the birds.
That same day a lion escaped from the local zoo when one of the keepers forgot to close the gate. Now this was a very old lion, and he really wasn’t very ferocious at all. As he wandered about, he found himself going down a long narrow path and decided he needed to rest, so the aged king of the jungle laid down to take a nap.
Meanwhile the man was returning down the same path with the birds he needed to feed his dolphins when he happened upon the sleeping lion sprawled out across the path. At first the man was frightened but then he realized this was a very old and worn out beast. There was no way to go around, so the man decided to just step over the cat. As he did, Federal agents jumped out from behind the bushes and arrested the man.
The charge?
Transporting Gulls Across a Staid Lion For Immortal Porpoises.

Ms. Patricia Whack was working in her office at the bank when her next client was seen in. Much to her surprise it was an outlandishly dressed frog in striped spandex.
She began the meeting by asking, “Well, how can we help you today Mr… um…”
“Kermit,” said the frog. “My name is Kermit Jagger.”
“Ah yes… What can we do for you Mr. Jagger?”
“I need to borrow $50,000.”
“Well that is a lot of money… Do you have an account with us, Kermit?”
“No, but I have this,” said the frog as he reached into his pocket and presented a small porcelain elephant to Ms. Whack.
Taken aback by this, Patricia excused herself and explained that she needed to check with the bank’s manager.
She went to her manager’s office and explained the whole thing and showed him the porcelain figurine. “I’m not really sure to make of this,” she said.
The manager replied, “It’s a nick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

A mad scientist was feeling kind of lonely in his laboratory, so he decided to create a clone of himself to keep him company. His creation was mostly a success, but the clone had a very foul mouth, and it greatly disturbed the mad creator.
One day they went into town to get groceries at the store. Upon entering the store the clone let out a slew of epithets and profanities that would make a sailor wince. The embarrassed scientist spun around and forcefully shoved the clone out the door where he tumbled into the street.
A passing police officer saw this and immediately arrested the mad scientist.
The charge?
Making an obscene clone fall.

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
A nearby cop pulled him over, suspecting the man of drinking and driving. The man pointed out the carton in the road and explained that it was the reason for his swerving.
The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. Inside the container were thousands of large upholstery tacks.
“I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but it looks like I have to place you under arrest.”
Dumbfounded, the driver asked, “For what?”
The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”