Author Archives: f2x

Bear Advisory

By | |
Leave a comment

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear’s sensitive nose and it will run away.

It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.

Sunday, August 2, 2020

By | |
Leave a comment

Happy First Birthday Gail!

August 4 was Gail’s birthday. She’s come a long way since she was a little puppy, and she still has a long way to go.

Can I be frank though? I got Gail to help me cope with the loss of my beloved Grace who passed away nearly a year ago. Unfortunately this did not pan out like I’d hoped. Gail is a beautiful Labrador, but when you see her in person, it’s apparent she lacks the lovability that Grace had.

She has no impulse control. When you try to pet her she wants to chew on you, or jump on you, or claw/kick you. Not in a mean way, but in an overexcited loss of control way. She also swings her head around like it was a mace on a battle field.

She barks a lot. A LOT. She growls and barks at dogs and cats on the TV. She also howls like a %^&*ing beagle. This can happen out of the blue for no reason, and it’s beyond infuriating. It’s 3AM, not a creature in the whole neighborhood is stirring, and suddenly this dog starts howling and barking. Oh, the neighbors are not amused.

She’s a digger! Yeah, all dogs will dig, but this is done out of spite. It’s a shame I don’t have the mineral rights to my lot. If I let her out, and don’t supervise her the whole time, she will start excavating.

I could go on, but suffice to say, living with Gail has been a rather unpleasant and thus far unrewarding challenge. If I had known then what she would be like at one year, I would not have gotten this dog.

If there’s anything good to say, she seems like she’s genuinely happy here. She likes the food, the treats, the car rides, the walks, the games of fetch, and torturing the cat. Sometimes she even seems to like me.

Happy Birthday, Gail.

Pax,

-f2x

Taste Sensation!

By | |
1 Comment

Now that I’m back, I thought I’d dig out one from the original archive that made me laugh so hard I almost shit myself:

-----Original Message-----
From: xxxxxxxx
Sent: Thursday, June 19, 2003 9:05 AM
To: 'itgbilling@rexallsundown.com'
Cc: 'info@carbsolutions.com'; 'webmaster@rexallsundown.com'
Subject: Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter

Dear Carb Solutions,

I'm trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road. I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim... err, uhhh... "dieter" not want to eat anything because they're physically nauseous. This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference. It is true that my butt won't be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again -- so I'll have to keep moving all of the time. They'll probably make a movie about me.

Soon to be your competitor...

xxxxxxxx
Bellingham, Massachusetts

Lucky Sevens

By | |
Leave a comment

After leaving the racetrack Roy bumped into his old friend Marty on the bus.

“You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened?” asked Roy. “Tell me- what’s today’s date?”

“July seventh,” Marty replied.

“Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month,” Roy began to explain. “I went to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.”

“Let me guess,” Marty interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.”

“Right.”

“And he won?” asked Marty with anticipation.

“No,” replied Roy. “He came in seventh.”

Suffering Suppository

By | |
Leave a comment

A woman heard her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocked and asked, “Honey, what’s wrong?”

Her husband emerged from the bathroom and explained, “The doctor prescribed these suppositories, and no matter what I do, I just can’t get the little sucker to go up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there and it hurt!”

“You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn’t very gentle with you,” soothed the wife. “Here, let me give you the suppository. I don’t mind, and I’ll promise to be gentle.”

Still grumbling, the husband bent over. His wife put her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and with her right hand she quickly and easily slipped the pill up her husband’s rear end.

The husband suddenly let out a bloodcurdling scream.

“My God!” said his wife. “What happened? Did I hurt you?”

“No!” cried the man. “But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!”