Author Archives: f2x

The cantankerous old managing partner finally passed away. Strangely the firm’s receptionist kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.

“I’m sorry, he’s dead,” was her standard answer.

Eventually, the receptionist began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why they kept calling.

“I used to be one of his junior associates,” replied the caller, “and I just like to hear you say it.”

Marvin and Ilene went out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, Ilene noticed a tear in Marvin’s eye.

“Marvin,” she asked, “are you getting sentimental because we’ve celebrated 50 wonderful years together?”

“No, I was thinking about that day before we got married,” replied Marvin. “Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. I just realized that tomorrow I could’ve been a free man!”

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had started seeing another guy while he had been away and wanted to break up with him. To add insult to injury she also wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (some with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you were. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back.”

A farmer walked into a attorney’s office seeking to get a divorce.

The lawyer began by asking, “Do you have any grounds?”

The farmer replied, “Yes, I got about 40 acres.”

The lawyer shook his head and said, “No, No, you don’t understand, Do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.”

Again the lawyer said, “No, no, I mean, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I ain’t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.”

The lawyer said, “No, I mean, do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said,”Yes, I got a grudge, that’s where I parks the John Deere.”

The lawyer said, “Well, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No, we both get up at 4:30.”

By now the lawyer is really frustrated but tries one last question, “Is your wife a nagger?”

The farmer said, “No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants a divorce.”

A woman wanted to test her three son-in-laws to see what kind of men that her daughters had married.

To test the first one, she arranged for the two of them to go for a walk along the river. During the walk she pretended to lose her footing and fell into the river. The young man immediately dove into the water to rescue the woman.

The next day he was shocked to see a brand new car parked in his driveway. On the vehicle was a note that said, “Much love and appreciation, Your Mother-in-law.”

To test the second one, she again arranged for the two of them to go for a walk along the same river. Once again she pretended to lose her footing and fell into the river. As before, the young man immediately dove into the water to rescue the woman.

The next day, he too saw a brand new car parked in his driveway with a note that said, “Much love and appreciation, Your Mother-in-law.”

It was the same test for the third one. As they walked along the river she “lost her footing” and fell into the river. Quickly assessing the situation, the young man released a maniacally chuckle and left the scene. The woman was pulled away by the river’s current and drowned.

The next day the third son-in-law awoke to find a brand new car parked in his driveway. He rushed outside to see what it was about. He could hardly believe his eyes when he read the note, “Much love and appreciation, Your Father-in-law.”

A Staff Sergeant was addressing his squad and said, “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”

Seven men raised their hands, and the Staff Sergeant asked the remaining troop, “So why aren’t you raising your hand?”

To which the soldier replied, “It just seemed like too much trouble, Sergeant.”

As Wendy put on her daily makeup, she gave herself a playful, sultry glance in the mirror and said, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Suddenly, the mirror replied, “How the hell should I know? Your fat ass keeps blocking my view!”